Once upon a time, mummy took 3 kids, 2 scooters, a buggy & a bike to the park then one kid fell off the bike, one fell off the scooter & one needed to poop and mummy had to push the buggy while carrying 3 kids, 2 scooters & a bike and they all cried all the way home the end
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Obama sure is waiting until the last minute to take everyone’s guns.
A dying fire will always attract a dad with a stick who will poke it twice and say, “…that should do it.”
[driving with wife and son]
me: aw he’s falling asleep so cute
wife: wake him up before he drives off the road
“Hi, its Mom, you may remember me from such hits as ‘Stop Licking That!’, ‘Why Am I Sticky?’, and ‘What Smells Like Pickles?’” -Future me leaving voicemails for my kids
I’m sexually attracted to the glass sections of a house.
French windows?
No but I’ve snogged patio doors.
Customers love saying “I’ll have one of these” while pointing at a sign I can’t see.
EVERY SENTIENT & NON-SENTIENT CONGLOMERATION OF MOLECULES ON THIS EARTH HAS A BF. WTF.
Which cellphone carrier drops the most calls? I need to get one for my mom.
women dont read this…
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…ok, guys, theyre hiding a product called “dry shampoo” from us
“Spirits, are you there?”
[ouija board] IF YOU LIKE IT THEN YOU SHOULDA PUT A RING ON IT
“Damn it, we’ve held a séaoncé again!”
Friend: do you regret becoming a father?
Me: no way. I wouldn’t trade it for anything in the world.
Friend: you want the rest of my fries?
Me: touché…*mouth full of fries* touché.
Tried to signal to my wife across the food court to buy me an extra McNuggets and now I’m in 3 gangs and have to kill someone named “Snake”.
Cop: Tell me again why there’s a guy in your trunk.
Me: I told him he would look good in it.
That f****** terrifying moment when you open your phone with a wet thumb and it starts automatically calling everyone on your contact list.
I never slashed an enemy’s tires, but once I wrote “Your mean” on his dirty back window, misspelling “You’re” just to mess with his head.
[Eating wings]
Pilot: This is a bad idea
[aliens observing earth]
“Horse racing is the shit we gotta start doing that”
A truck loaded with Vicks VapoRub overturned on the interstate. Police report there is no congestion in the area.
Bear attack by generation:
Boomer – kill bear level forest into a mall parking lot
Gen x – climb tree build fort
Gen y – wait for helicopter Gen. x parent to fix it
Gen z – die doing bear makeover for insta
I wish Kristen from finance would tell us her husband was an “attorney” one more time so I could feel better about shitting in her purse.
Plot Twist
Nigerian Prince won the Powerball jackpot and he’s emailing everyone now.
Having a kid means knowing when she asks to watch Mr. Handsome, she means The Little Mermaid.
Who called them accountants and not sumbodies?
Everyone gets ONE famous scientologist they’re allowed to pretend isn’t really a scientologist in order to fully and purely enjoy their work.
I only have 4 months left on that mirror I broke in 2005.
I need a few hundred steps to meet my daily goal. I only hope my wine doesn’t spill.
The pricier the food, the faster kids drop it on the floor
Dear Santa,
My ex was very naughty this year. But I was very good. So you can just send me all his presents.
Doctor: Are you sexually active?
Me: I’ve got 21K followers on Twitter.
Doctor: A simple “No” would have been sufficient.
(Bedtime)
Me: You know you can ask me anything, sweetie- it’s what I’m here for.
9: Why are arms the only body parts that got a pit?
Me: …. Just go to sleep.