My wife banned iPads from my kids so my sweet angels stood in the hallway where they thought I couldn’t hear and whispered “Let’s ask dad because he always let us and then we can blame him when mommy asks”.
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I took biscuits with me on a date once.
She called me a weirdo and said that biscuits was a stupid name for a cat.
Having to ask the hairdresser to give you a cut that will persuade your phone’s facial recognition software that it’s still you is very 2020.
Me: Oh this is a cute selfie!
Brain: Look again
Me: No, you’re right I’m a monster
Brain: As you were
Me: Yes ma’am
My daughter had a friend who comes over that makes my other kids look less weird. I wish she was here more often.
Dating is so easy. You just ask someone out and they say no
[TV detective with a photograph walking into any bar]
bartender: *cleaning a glass* yeah I remember that complete stranger, no matter how long ago, how busy we were, or if I even worked here.
I’m serious. You’re the worst species I ever created, and I made 3,500 different cockroaches.
(painted my 7yr old’s nails)
7: I know you did the best you could, it’s just that, the colors we’re supposed to have an ombré effect.
Me: Oh, an ombré effect. Well, if you’re dissatisfied with the service please feel free to leave a negative review for my non existent nail salon.
Them: what part of your morning routine takes the longest ?
Me: finding the will to get up
So in The Matrix they feed you the liquified remains of the dead through a tube but you get to sleep and be online all day? I’m listening.
*jolts awake*
*frantically searches around*WAIT A MINUTE!
THIS FEELS LIKE ONLY 47 PILLOWS!
a restaurant that rubs your shoulders while you eat mashed potatoes
When I took improv 101 in 2013, there was a guy who would make every single scene about a high school reunion. Made me feel like he took the class just to prepare for any possible scenario that could happen at an upcoming high school reunion
Fall Out Boy: she says she’s no good with words but I’m worse
Me: how so?
Fall Out Boy: restouaraunt
Me: ok you win
Who do you reach for in the middle of the night?
me, thinkng about the bottle of tums on my nightstand: definitely you babe
you know what’s a waste of time? when you call a medical office and their message starts with, “if this is a life threatening emergency, please hang up and call 911” … if you didn’t learn that by the age of 4 then who are we to interrupt natural selection?
I finally got 10 hours of sleep. I mean it took 4 days to get there, but still.
HAHA! Answer your phone silly. I called you like 18 times.
-I say as I climb through your window
[cleaning the garage]
ME: just sweep all the dirt and leaves into the driveway
12YO: ok which app do I use
ME: it’s a push broom, there’s no app
12YO: is it on mom’s phone
ME: no app. push. the. broom.
12YO:
ME:
12YO: so should i download it
I have a job interview tomorrow via Zoom and I’m just crossing my fingers that they won’t make me stand up.
That moment when the woman ur dancing behind bends over so u can grind &u realize she lost an earring & nobody in starbucks can hear ur iPod
*horse walks into a bar*
*horse walks into a bar*
*horse walks into a bar*
*horse walks into an optometrist*
Horse: Holy shit please help me
This cat looks like Wilford Brimley
me: I think my hippo might be dying
vet: sir, that’s a really really fat horse
me: BECAUSE IT ATE MY HIPPO
Adele is an amazing singer. The problem is, when one of her songs comes on, everyone else thinks they are, too
before camouflage clothing was invented, people would just stand still and make tree noises.
Loan officer: Mr. Minotaur, I’d love to help you but I dont think opening a china shop is a good idea.
(using my powers as an empath) this dungeon… it has bad vibes
I don’t care what Bruce Lee said, entering a dragon is just poor advice.