Getting money from “the Tooth Fairy” is a gateway drug to organ trafficking.
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Quick question for the medical professionals, should my blood glucose number be higher or lower than the mileage on my 6-year-old car
Dance like your kid isn’t secretly making a TikTok to humiliate you.
When you unfollow someone it should pop up with a list of other idiots to unfollow
i’m sorry that i bit you, i was trying to flirt
I tried to sell something for $69 on Facebook, and I guess that’s some kind of code because 3 people asked for my phone number and none of them wanted my old chair.
Been dating this guy for 4 months and today he asked me why I don’t have a boyfriend. ☹️☹️
Sometimes, when I’m bored, I tell my mother-in-law to relax.
Y’all answering phones calls while on the toilet need Jesus
The wind kept blowing an old Burger King wrapper at my feet for over half a block
I know a sign from God when I see one
Me: I bet I totally got like 10,000 steps in today.
My mother: you lost your car in the parking garage didn’t you?
Me: WHY CAN’T YOU EVER JUST BE HAPPY FOR ME?!
My favourite sport is tracking the pizza delivery guy
HIM: Show me what that mouth do, girl 😉
ME: *eats a fistful of bees*
Stick around after sticking around after the Thor 2 credits. Very realistic 3D of a theater manager telling you to leave.
I dropped a bottle of ketchup on my foot yesterday…
it caused severe pain…
to… ma… toes…
This whole year with my family has given me whatever the opposite of Stockholm Syndrome is.
me: i wanna see how high this cliff is
Charles Darwin: ok, go ahead
me: ill jump off and you count how long im in the air
Charles Darwin: wait but that could ki-
me: what
Charles Darwin:
me: that could what Charles
[zombie apocalypse]
Me: *fending off my group from trying to kill me* again guys, I’m not a zombie, this is just what I look like without make up
I like the idea in Star Trek that universal audio translators are a thing by the 23rd century. That means around the 22nd century we just get special glasses that show subtitles
I feel bad that I never predicted anything for the Mayans.
[first date at restaurant]
ME: so, do you like dogs?
HER: I’m more of a-
ME: CHECK PLEASE
i hate it when my daughter is suddenly nice to me because I know it’s just a first calculated step in impending negotiations
Me: Don’t do anything special for my birthday.
*People do special things for my birthday*
Me: Oh thank God.
My 89 year old mom asked if I was on that “Tic-tac-toe” site.
When someone talks about fallen arches I never think of feet.
I assume they’re referring to the decline of the Roman Empire or a freak accident at the local McDonald’s.
I just literally fell INSIDE a public toilet because I did too many squats earlier and couldn’t control my sitting down. This is the greatest proof I’ve ever had that fitness is not worth the struggle.
After 10 years of appointments, I know about everything about my dental hygienist, the only thing she knows about me is “hyugh.”
It’s all about how much devastation you can leave in your wake.
-kids
You can just tell people you’re writing a novel even if you’re not. There will not be follow up questions.
[Scooby Doo at an interview]
Interviewer: May I see your CV, Mr. Doo?
Scooby: *hands CV over* Rrres you may!
Interviewer: Round here we call it a CV.
I had a dream I was making out with someone with really bad breath.
Judging by the look on my dog’s face, I’d say we had the same dream.