Rage against the machine? I bet it was a printer.
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[last night]
*gets drunk*
*can’t remember if I fed the dog*
*ends up feeding her 5 times*[tonight]
*comes home*
dog *hands me a beer*
When I was a teen, my parents talked to me about safe sex. I’m having the same talk with them about the Reply All button.
I think my life exists only so an angel can show the successful me from an alternate universe of how much worse it could have been!
#alternative
[first date]
him: how do you feel about having children
me: I was going to get salad but I’ll try a bite of yours
“Doc, it’s embarrassing, but I don’t feel sexy.”
“Try wearing the wife’s panties.”
“Really?”
“Yeah, the red ones with the lace are nice”
Shuffling into the kitchen in a robe Sunday morning to change the clock on the microwave is the lamest form of time travel ever.
[internet meet up, 1999]
Maybe I shouldn’t go. They might murder me.
[internet meet up, 2019]
Definitely going. Hopefully they’ll murder me.
Peter Pan: just think happy thoughts!
Me: um, ok
[1 hour later]
Peter: *pouring prozac into my hand* look we don’t have all goddamn night
*7 yr old talks about red dwarfs and neutron stars for 40 minutes straight*
My mom: Wow, that’s amazing. So are you going to be an astronaut when you grow up?
7, incredulously: No, I’m going to be a ninja.
On medical forms I put down Elon Musk as my emergency contact so he can build a space catapult to hurl my body into the sun when I die.
[team dumps Gatorade on head coach after victory but head coach just happens to be the Wicked Witch of the West]
COACH: you idiots *melts*
ME: Sorry I’m late, I had computer problems.
BOSS: Hard drive?
ME: Nah, there was no traffic, just the computer problems.
Yes officer, the person who robbed me was a woman 25-30, at least 5’9, a brunette and definitely single. Can you arrange a line up please
“Whatcha inventing?”
“I call it a picnic. It’s a meal but outside with bugs and a high risk of bear attack.”
“Can I bring my kids?”
“Sure.”
A bug is just a bug until you put one on someone’s face.
Gf: Let’s role-play
Me: Ok you be a writer
Gf: But I can’t think of anything to write
Me: ooh that’s good
customer behind me in line: hey I think your phone is ringing
me: oh *declines it* thank you
GIRLFRIEND: *Crying* My dog died!
ME (who was only dating her because of her dog): So I have more bad news.
Many people make the mistake of assuming @funTweeters is a bot without realizing that there are clearly real human emotions at stake. Follow
Had to pause Willy Wonka & The Chocolate Factory to go buy a king sized Snickers. This is why i can not watch Breaking Bad.
I got this “breathe” tattoo on my wrist because I don’t have a central nervous system and it’s a helpful reminder.
me: how do i come off?
firefighter: kind of cringe
me: (at the top of ladder) no i mean. wait what?
This mosh pit at Chuck E. Cheese ain’t gonna start itself
“can’t you take a hint?” bro I don’t even understand literal stuff
amazon: your order has been placed
me: great thanks
amazon: your order is being prepared
me: cool
amazon: your order is being put in the truck
me: it’s ok i don’t need an update on every step
amazon: the driver just buckled his seatbelt
How does one “schmooze”, and what is it? It sounds like tissue paper may be necessary
Absolutely no one:
8 yo: I’D RATHER BE RAISED BY DUCKS
A little boy looked at my tie the other day and told me that he really liked my leash.
I hope to stop crying soon.
next question.
This is literally the best thing I’ve ever seen happen on Twitter