An older couple saw me open my wife’s car door for her and came over to compliment me.
Moral of the story: old people are nosy.
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doctor: here’s your x-ray
me: ew I look ugly in this one delete it take another
Due to rising costs, Old McDonald had to sell his farm.
E-I-E-I-Owes a lot of money.
I’d forgo the grocery store, but I’ve seen the way my kids look at me when they’re hungry. Self-preservation is highly motivating.
WE ARE CURRENTLY EXPERIENCING HIGH CALL VOLUMES. WE RECOMMEND HOLDING THE PHONE AWAY FROM YOUR EAR.
kids play hide and seek like
Me carrying around all the patience I have today x
can u believe that 6 months ago we just let random people breathe on us
Her: Hey, I was just thinking about you.
Me: Isn’t it fun?
Nannying is like a stay at home mom internship
if I would’ve known that you were going to ask me what I was thinking I wouldn’t have been thinking what I was thinking.
After a stressful day of holiday shopping, I like to soak away my cares in a relaxing bath.
Mall Security: Ma’am, get out of the fountain.
[himalayan monastery]
me: dad? it took 27 years of searching but I finally found you!
dad: mhmm now it’s your turn to hide
*God creating the rhino*
God: How’d the unicorn thing go?
A: There were problems.
G: What?
A: We got an angry spiked cow.
G: Close enough.
I went on 3 dates with Elijah Wood before I realized he wasn’t Daniel Radcliffe
“Daddy I lost my popsicle” and other terrifying things my kids say.
Always 🥴
My family using a Ouija board to summon my spirit: “Are you with us? Please, shows us you are here! Wait, it’s moving… o-m-g-w-h-a-t-d-o-y-o-u-w-a-n…”
*at interview*
Him: What would you say are your strengths?
Me: Words
Him: Can you say more?
Me: More
Him:
Me: I’m also good at directions
If life gives you lemons just be thankful that life didn’t give you gonorrhea instead because making lemonade would be very painful
Me: …
Dog: …
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Dog: ..
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Dog: …
(Women, take note *ahem* Man’s best friend)
Him: I can’t wait to sit with you and watch the sunsets this summer.
Me: Oh that will never happen.
Him: Are you breaking up with me?
Me: No. It’s just the sun doesn’t set until like 9pm and that’s way past my bedtime.
I used to brag that my dad worked in the food court.
I thought he was a food lawyer. Shoulda wondered why a lawyer would wear a sbarro shirt
wowww it’s 2021 here in korea!! wanna know what the future is like?!!
– it is dark out
– everyone is asian
– my grandma is gently snoring
Humans have 46 chromosomes, peas 6 and crayfish 200. You’re clearly not that complicated.
Them: Pain is just weakness leaving the body!
Me: Yes, but also sometimes pain is just last night’s extra hot burrito leaving the body too!!
Been collecting single highway shoes for years but not professionally.
Don’t invite me places. I was cesarean. I didn’t want to come out then and I certainly don’t want to now
“Son you’re just not cut out to be a mime.”
“Is it something I said?”
“Yes.”
Keep me in your thoughts. My wife is unloading the dryer and I can’t find a corn bread muffin I had earlier. Pretty sure I left it in one of those pockets.