Every Law & Order episode should end with:
“Objection your honor, the prosecution’s face is way too symmetrical!”
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Top 5 oxymorons:
1. Jumbo shrimp
2. Civil war
3. Virtual reality
4. Great outdoors
5. Family vacation
[reads chocoholic on tinder bio] Mmm I love chocolate, too
[reads workaholic] I work a lot as well
[reads catholic] I also am a cat addict
Nurse at the doctor’s office took my blood pressure, and I swear she was one pump away from hearing my safe word.
are those your eyebrows, or did you headbutt a box of Sharpies
Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice, shame on me. Fool me three times and I’m not sure if the shame alternates or if it’s still me.
“can’t you take a hint?” bro I don’t even understand literal stuff
Me before socializing: “Don’t act crazy, don’t act crazy, don’t act crazy.”
Crazy: “Aaaaand ACTION!”
*taps on your head*
“Is this think on?”
Him: dude I love clubs, they’re great for picking up chicks
Me *nodding thoughtfully* girls love sandwiches
I’m not saying I’m getting fat, but my dirty talk in bed is mostly just recipes for pies.
fav for leaf bucket
RT for hot oil starch sticks
My memory is pretty bad until I’m pissed off, and then you are in for quite the surprise.
Sorry about that time I gave you advice that would have made your life ten times better. Good thing you chose to completely ignore it. Phew.
At my grandma’s house and just accidentally let out a “yall stop running in and out” omg it’s over 💔💔💔💔💔💔💔💔💔💔
We get it Amazon Prime, everyone relies on moms at the last second too
*drops some peanut butter on the table*(stares at it)
Husband: You’re not going to eat that, are you?
Me: NO! *eats it*
*being abducted by aliens*
Hey thanks guys it was getting pretty rough down there. What we got goin’ on, snack-wise?
There are two wolves inside you
webmd: wolf cancer
My new dry-erase whiteboard can be
summed up in one word : “remarkable”
My boss called me lazy and said I had poor communication skills… I almost responded
every Crock-Pot recipe:
– add anything you have in the house
– cook two to fourteen hours.
*clicks on hotel tv’s Adult Zone*
“Oh hell yeah.”
*it’s just a bunch of people paying bills and doing yard work*
“…Oh hell yeah.”
[drinking third bottle of smart water] when does this kick in
17: Want to see a movie?
Me: Sure.
17: Afternoon show only, so no one sees us together.
Me: Ok. *Posts pic on IG. Tags all her friends.
Before handing your wallet and wife’s necklace over to that angry gunman, pause to consider how sweet it would be if your son became Batman.
Hearing them call a 25 year old hockey player a ‘veteran’ and a 28 year old player ‘old’ has done zilch for my self esteem today
Little known fact:
If you eat a Tide POD™ you will poop out the secret of how to fold a fitted sheet.
I’m directing a psychological thriller called my twins are running against each other for student council.
Maybe next year… ☔️
#GreatBritishSummer #Rain
Me: “Could you show me where the self-help books are?”
Librarian: “No.”