Dating is like a 2-day-old box of chocolates.
The good ones are already taken.
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[rollercoaster]
HER: weeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee
ME [selfish]: iiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiii
Why is Gorgeous the only thing you can be Drop-Dead. I wanna be drop-dead silly. Let my enemies crumble before me, overcome by the depths of my whimsy
ME: we sure have one great kid
WIFE: we have two kids
ME: yes we do
See?! THIS is why we don’t invite Elsa to the lake house in the summer….
It was the best of times, it was the end of sentence structure
Me: I can do whatever I want through Christ who strengthens me
Attorney: ok but again, as your lawyer I strongly advise you to not say that in court
Lint Bizkit #LaundrySongsAndBands
What’s that? Been thinking about us having another kid? Hold on, honey.
*calls son into room
Check it out, he glued a football to his head
Dr: You’re diabetic. Too much sugar and I’ll have to amputate your legs.
Me: *shoving Cinnabon in mouth* Can I get those cool blade ones?
[first day working at the zoo]
Me: I don’t know, one minute the tortoise was in the cage-
Supervisor: *letting me out* but how did he get your keys
*At the bar
Me)May I sit here?
Her)I have a boyfriend
Me)That’s ok, I’m 50. I just want to sit down
must be a load-bearing face plate. don’t want it coming loose.
*watching my hamster gnaw on his tiny broadsword*
you are a disgrace to your lineage and bring great shame upon this house
On the phone with my therapist and she is clearly going through the McDonalds drive through 😓
[sees that Abraham Lincoln is trending]
Please be alive, please be alive, please be alive, please be alive
If you think you could never kill a person you just haven’t met the right one
I wish airlines would stop apologizing for being delayed. I’m an adult, I know you don’t give a shit. I’d rather read “ehh some shit happened, it’s gonna be late”
*walks outside*
Its real quiet.. Almost too quiet.
*looks around*
*lights BBQ*
*1000 Dads emerge from nowhere giving generic BBQ advice*
accidentally said “you too” when the waiter told me to enjoy my meal so he sat down with me and we had a very pleasant evening
I fought the law* and the law* won.
*duvet cover
You can buy a birthday cake every day if you want to. They don’t even check ID.
How does a farmer find new cows to buy?
He looks through the cattlelog.
Parenthood is stepping in something wet in your socks.
me: my girlfriend’s a model
him: oh yeah what kind?
me: papier-mâché
People who leave their underwear at parks are either awesome at sex or terrible at dressing raccoons.
[first day as chinese police officer]
me: guys…it happened again.
[police radio]: okay *sigh* push your fingers in gently toward each o…
Financial Advisor: You should think about diversifying your assets.
Me: You mean like buying shorts that aren’t cargo?
My entry to the federal duck stamp art contest did not win.
“I literally can’t even!”
— White girl hanging a picture