My dad went from “no man is good enough for my little girl” to “would you just pick one already? Jobs aren’t even that important” real quick
You Might Also Like
neurosurgeon: *removes my brain to blow on it and put it back in*
PATIENT: I’ve been so stressed out lately. What can I do?
DR DOG (tail wagging like crazy): Studies show that petting dogs relieve stress
Painted a fake tunnel on a wall today. Not one coyote has run into it.
My great grandfather always used to call me Alan. I thought it was him being silly, but I later discovered I was going to the wrong house.
My wife just discovered that Idris Elba playing James Bond was just a rumor and that he has no desire to “dress that fine and fight like that so [she] can watch him.”
Please respect our privacy in this difficult time.
let’s hit the petting zoo and find out which animals are ticklish
“What if it makes me look stupid,” she said redundantly.
I hate when I’m running on the treadmill for half an hour and look down to see it’s been 4 minutes.
If experience has taught me anything, I’ve forgotten what it was.
ME: Happy Valentine’s Day! Enjoy these chocolates.
HER: Ugh, these are all coconut. Did you get me anything else?
ME: *awkwardly hands her a bouquet of coconuts*
I’d love to have a sex change. Preferably from ‘none’ to ‘absolutely shitloads’.
Everyday is talk like a pirate day if you’re committed and annoying enough
Everybody’s big on freedom until they find you passed out naked on their boat
I’m still writing “Slovakia” on all my Czechs.
(you can unfollow me at anytime)
[feeling confident] *trips on a leaf*
What’s your stance on public intoxication?
Mine is very wobbly.
First date idea: you, me, and a blanket
under the stars. We slap the shit out of each other but it’s sweet because of all the mosquitoes
my best friend is a guy and we have a pact that if we’re both still single at 37 we’ll hunt each other for sport
(painted my 7yr old’s nails)
7: I know you did the best you could, it’s just that, the colors we’re supposed to have an ombré effect.
Me: Oh, an ombré effect. Well, if you’re dissatisfied with the service please feel free to leave a negative review for my non existent nail salon.
I’ve reprogrammed my FitBit to allow for more me time. And by reprogram, I mean I’ve attached it to the leg of a deer.
I was born to run.
How many coffees before I stop looking for shirts in my refrigerator
First date idea.
Pick your favorite pizza place, and send one to my house.
Currently at a pumpkin farm that has 800 activities for kids & zero alcohol for parents.
What level of hell is this?
And on the second day, God created the sunset and He saw that it was good but decided it would looketh better with the Amaro filter.
HER: i could really use a shoulder to cry on right now
ME [a mortician]: *looks at clipboard* ok what type are you looking for?
I had sex once and once was enough
Wait, where did those 3 kids come from?😂
God: You finish all 11 commandments?
Moses: About the 11th one…
God: What?
Moses: Check yourself before you wreck yourself?
God: Fine, 10.
Me: You touched my heart.
Cardiologist: You’re not supposed to be awake, but thanks. LOL
I’m at the age where I am about to make a dentist a lot of money.
Eating chips and watching TV annoys me because of the loud crunching noise. Then I realize I’m eating chips and watching TV and I’m not annoyed anymore.