[lying in bed after sex]
Sorry for all the screaming, I’m afraid of the dark
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Is it just me or does everything cost like we’re shopping in an airport now?
Me: You’re kidnapping me? Where’re we going? Can we feed my cats first? Is there a ransom? Cool van. My name-
Him: Changed my mind. Get out.
“You can eat your eyeball after you clean your room.” Me, still parenting with Halloween candy.
Never ever make an arm wrestle bet with a man who has been single for a long time….
me: can we please find out when we’ll be getting results
my english teacher: may
me: sorry, may we please find out when we’ll be getting results
my english teacher: no i mean the month
Studies show that 100% of all parents think alcohol tastes much better after spending the day with children.
I like to write all my death threat letters in Comic Sans.
I find it lightens the mood.
Reverse psychology – only it’s me swapping chairs when my therapist went to the bathroom.
doctor: whats the problem?
me: my right leg is missing
doctor: no problemo
me:
doctor: great success, we’ve attached your leg
me: my left leg is missing now
doctor: no problemo
Keep your friends close and your enemies under the front wheels of your vehicle.
I let soap touch his cast iron frying pan yesterday, so can I sleep on someone’s couch for a while?
Zen master: Do you possess the Buddha nature?
Me: Well, I’ve spent 49 days under a tree. But that was just laziness.
If Disney has taught us anything it’s that if you tie enough balloons to your house, you will eventually find a dog.
Me: I am surprised at how winded I am by this exercise!!
Personal Trainer: This was the tour of the gym.
Since summer is almost over here’s a list of all the places I got to visit:
1. Work
If you turn your head back and forth really fast you can see your ears.
I think as Canadians we’re so nice because we focus all our hatred on geese
If anyone gets drunk later and feels like paying off a credit card or two for me hmu.
2yr old has discovered how to undress himself, and now I live with a nudist
If I could give parents one advice it would be to never tell your kids about your good hiding spot. Take that to the grave.
If you see me in court you’d think I was furiously taking notes, but 9 times out of 10, I’m usually drawing a t-rex eating a witness.
My 9yo on Shark Tank:
“It’s a shirt, but look, it’s also a napkin!”
The term ‘monkeying around’ makes sense to me, monkeys are silly animals. ‘Horsing around’ pisses me off though, it’s very, very disrespectful… Pretty much every horse I’ve met has a job
In my teens: I won’t wear a jacket because they’re not cool.
In my 30’s: I will bring this blanket into the restaurant and be the coziest.
Interviewer: What were you doing during this two-year gap on your résumé?
Me: Downloading a software upgrade on my iPhone.
my coworker told me she caught a cold from me that i faked
Giving me a Milkbone after sex does not make it doggy style
genie: you have three wishes
me: nightvision goggles
genie: dope
me: the only pair on the planet
genie: many people will be affected
me: now kill the sun
genie: dude
[BOOPS nose]
COP: Sir, I’m gonna need you to touch your finger to the tip of YOUR nose.