I’m trying to teach my toddler how to headbang but he’s pissed because he wants a bottle. I told him to save that anger for the mosh pit.
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“Whoa! Hey there, buddy, leave me out of it. This has got nothing to do with me.”
– The Horse You Rode In On
Why did they call them armadillos and not hardvarks.
News:”a black bear hovered over a convenience store in central Florida for more than seven hours…”
They have hover bears?
jealous again
I apply an inordinate amount of baby oil for someone who is not a bodybuilder.
I’ve been clicking “remind me later” on this work software update for 2 years when is he going to get the hint that I’m not interested?
Why does ma Nana’s dog look like he’s trying tae see what he wants tae order from the chippy
Funny because it’s true. 🤣
[bakery]
me: I want to hide in a cake for my wife’s birthday
clerk: ok what about this one
me: yeah nice nice and she definitely won’t find me?
My son’s field trip consent form lists walkmans & radios under ‘Optional items.’ Where the hell are they going, 1989??
I’m just a girl standing in front of a boy asking him to stop eating all the snacks I bought for school lunches dammit.
One time I brought my kids to work with me and now my boss is way more tolerant of my drinking.
Let’s just call a cruise ship that’s sailing exclusively for married couples what it really is…….a battleship
Who says great literature is dead?
*sets up tent*
*unrolls sleeping bag*
*tosses down like fourteen decorative pillows*Waitress: Umm…
Me: I’ll have the endless chips and salsa.
Waitress: But you can’t–
Me: –I LIVE HERE NOW
My six year old just hissed at me. I’m either doing this parenting thing right, or horribly, horribly wrong.
Existing is a pretty remarkable achievement.
twitter: you don’t owe ANYONE an explanation. ghost him. it’s called SELF CARE
twitter the next day: ghosting is literally physical abuse. DO NOT under any circumstances ghost ANYONE because they will likely decide to take their own life and you will be held solely responsible.
me: I think you’ll find my resumé impressive
interviewer: this is a note threatening to…eat the moon?
me: [grabbing it] ah that’s not-*cough*-that’s for something else
I don’t always go the extra mile
But when I do…
It’s because I missed my exit.
All the people upset over same sex marriage didn’t seem to mind when Paula Abdul was openly dating a cartoon cat in the late 80s.
To think, just 30 years ago, I would have to yank the phone off the wall, and bring it to the bathroom to drop it in the toilet.
I didn’t think I was high until I realized I was watching bowling
It still pisses me off that teachers gave us shit about paying attention and then had to take attendance to see if one of their kids was missing
Thousands of people are attacked by sea creatures every year. We at BP are dedicated to bringing that number down. You’re welcome!
At the beginning of a long plane ride, I like to ask my husband why he loves me. His frantic look for an escape hatch entertains me.
If you live in denial of your emotions, it will take far longer to take care of them, because once we recognize what we’re feeling, we can tackle it or whatever is causing it.
📸: @blessingmanifesting
#positivemind #dailymotivation #keepmovingforward #personalgrowth
My husband told me I was beautiful for the first time tonight
Sure, he was drunk and using a Scooby Doo voice but I’ll take it
the Baltimore subreddit never disappoints me
pirate: walk the plank
someone’s dad: is this teak?
*puts on new Fitbit*
*steps on scales*
Welp, this is bullshit!