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Whatever you’re giving up for lent, I’ll take it.
Cellmate: what did you do?
Me: robbed a bank.
Cellmate: nice! how’d you get caught?
Me: [lights a cig and takes a long drag]
I stopped to put all the money facing the same way.
Planet of the Apes is starting to look downright optimistic.
Depraved Masochist Enjoys Following The News
I’m so old, when I type “stan”, ac thinks I mean a man’s name and capitalizes it
*walking into our new house*
ME: Whaddya say we christen our new home?
HER: *giggling* OK*later, flinging holy water*
ME: GET OUT GHOSTS
I HAD
THE TIME OF MY LIFE
AND I NEVER FELT THIS WAY BEFORE
Only rings I’m interested in are made from onions.
Relationship status: just said goodnight to my living room.
*swims up to girl in pool* so do you.. actually this is quite deep jesus *just disappears*
Nobody ever mentions one of the greatest joys of being a parent is mocking your kids in an annoying voice, repeating what they whined about
On an afternoon walk, a handsome stranger hands you a note. It says “By the time you read this, I will already be petting your dog.” You look down. It’s true.
Bartender: Hey! What’s new?
Me: Well, my girlfriend’s pregnant.
B: Congratulations!
M: Yeah.
B: What’s wrong?
M: My wife is SUPER pissed.
HR informed me that grabbing Janet’s face because she was popping her gum is not “appropriate” but guess who’s not popping their gum anymore?
Him: I’d die before I break a promise to you.
Me: Or, very soon after.
<enter password>
chicken
<password is weak>
chickensoup
<password is feeling a little better>
4-year-old: What do you want for your birthday?
Me: You could get me a “world’s best dad” mug.
4: You told me not to lie.
Hi, I’m Suki. And I just turned the volume down because it was getting too cold in my car.
Hide liquor from the teenagers in the laundry room. You’re welcome
Me: [Alone in our kitchen making a sandwich]
My teeanager: Why are you trying to embarrass me?
Slut: desirable woman who has sex with someone other than yourself.
Extremely relatable.
[pulling out of the driveway on the way to a holiday party]
HUSBAND: Oh, we’re supposed to bring a dessert.
Sometimes, late at night, I’ll look up at the stars and wonder if you’re also stealing lawn furniture.
“Guests, like fish, begin to smell after three days.”
That’s why I keep everyone who comes to visit in the freezer.
Every night at I say baby do you want to snuggle and watch tiktok
He hands me the remote and goes to bed
And that’s how it’s done
“I’m a talking piece of paper. Your eyes are beneath your nose. Nothing’s real here, kid.”
She danced her way into his heart.
-She was doing the robot tho, so she looked like an idiot.
Me: I need to sleep
Ambien: do worms have buttholes? You should text your boss
Some of you are boycotting sex the same way are you are boycotting owning a Maserati.