Give a man a fish and he’ll say “Sir put that back in the tank.” Teach a man to fish and he’ll say “ok pal, it’s time you left the aquarium”
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[First Date]
Me: “I’m sorry. It’s just that I’ve been burned before.”
*Stuffs handful of fries through visor in hazmat suit
*Closes visor
[hijacking a hot-air balloon] i have scissors
I was going to have sex with you, but you asked what Mario Kart was and wore pants inside the pillow fort….I’m just kidding. I don’t care.
Impressing the McDonald’s drive thru people with my music is always a top priority
Boss: “We are all going to have a bunch of Red Bull, bust out the chest of Adderall, be laser focused for about 4 hours, then die.”
pitching a show called Hitler about a guy who’s always being attacked by time travelers
My wife rearranged the kitchen cabinets and now I’ll never eat again
“I’m a night owl”
All owls are night owls. You are a regular owl.
Eaten so many blue cheese stuffed olives today that it feels like France and Greece are waging a war for land in my intestines.
Listening to the snow getting plowed outside my window and so jealous
There’s been a terrible misunderstanding.
It seems that monkey is the root of all evil.
Brought home almond milk from the grocery store
My bf: You know, if you like nut milk you could….
Me: No
Being Tall:
Pros:
Can reach high things, feel like an Amazonian warrior.Cons:
“Wow, you’re tall!”
“Yes.”
*repeat for infinity*
My baby never smiles bigger than when she find my phone left unlocked.
ME: check out this cordless trimmer
BARBER: stop calling me that.
[first date]
Her: omg are you wearing a cape? Lol
Me: [texting mom] ok you were right about the cape
I’m going to be the most petty poltergeist ever. I’ll do things like unplug your phone charging overnight
If you’re just out of school and working at your first adult job you may be wondering, “Is this really all there is to life?” and the answer is no! There’s also back pain
Once upon a time (today) I had to help with pre school homework
Me: -holds up yellow
Me: What color is this?
4: McDonalds
The end
I tripped going up the escalator and fell down the stairs for like 20 minutes.
Let’s go to church and wink at each other whenever one of our sins gets mentioned.
All parents have a favourite child
Good parents pretend they don’t
Great parents at least make it one of their own
boss: *walks up to find me staring at my computer, typing away*, I see you’re thinking hard about the new budget problem
me: *googling who would win in a fight between a pizza and a cheeseburger*, oh yeah, totally
Me: *pretends to get electrocuted as we shake hands*
Guy who was just about to offer me a job: Ok I’ll probably be in touch
I’m young, but not “know exactly why I came into this room” young.
Kids: Always remember to brush your drugs and don’t do teeth.
I need a device that connects to other cars Bluetooth so I can yell “WHY CAN’T YOU DRIVE” through their speakers
What question should you NEVER ask a Geologist?
Are these Tectonic Plates dish washer safe?
I’ve never made eggplant before. Is it better fried or scrambled?
If you ever want a bad date to end just say “you remind me of my mother.” If you REALLY want to sell it leave out the “my”