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The real slim shady: [sitting in a bean bag] oh no
POLICE OFFICER: I won’t ticket you, but — and this is a big but…
SIR MIX-A-LOT: I like where this is going
Owner: What makes you qualified to be the new zookeeper?
Me: I found the place
Owner: So?
Me: Finders keepers
Owner: *leans back in chair* Well damn
ME: I don’t know about your cat but mine is an absolute angel
MY CAT: *releases one of the hostages*
Judas is buying everyone shots.
Seems to have a bit more cash than normal…..
Good for him
Not only are used coffee grounds a great fertilizer, when shaped and baked they make excellent biscuits for that cunt of a dog next door.
Before company arrives we like to clean our house so there’s no evidence that we live like circus monkeys the other 364 days of the year!
Women with horses are rich versions of cat ladies.
I get all my cardio the old fashioned way; by running from my problems.
Good one computer geniuses, you made everything “user friendly” and “intuitive” and now idiots are on the internet commenting on everything.
me: you take my breath away!
scuba instructor: sir, just give me the tank
I’m not a regular Mom.
I’m a “YOU BETTER DIE IN YOUR VIDEO GAME BECAUSE DINNER IS READY IN 5 MINUTES!” Mom.
JOB INTERVIEWER: Where do you see yourself in 5 years?
MARTY MCFLY: I literally have no idea.
For whatever reason, I get super quiet when I hear a helicopter…like they are going to fly over my house and say, “WE KNOW HOW MANY TACO BELL SAUCE PACKETS YOU HAVE IN THERE.”
Whatd I do for Halloween, I hear you ask?
Cleaned off the porch & fed the birds.But like, scarily. Or whatever.
Practice good oral hygiene by wiping your mouth with toilet paper after talking shit
The first step to admitting you have a problem is having a problem.
A recent study by UN has found dexter to be the no 1 cause for ocean pollution
ME: [blowing on ouchie] That’s better
SURGEON: How did you get in here
jesus: (on the cross) you know what i could really go for right now? a hard-boiled egg
What should we call this giant advertising board?
PHIL: A philboard
BILL: I have a better idea
Nothing wakes you up faster than a 5 y/o kicking open your door like SWAT and jumping on you in bed.
“Everybody Dance Now” – C & C Music Factory
“20 sided Dice now” – D & D Music Factory#LunchPun #RateMyPun
am i feeling hopeful about the future?
I’m a dad so I love talking about meat rubs but I’m also a 14yo so I giggle inside when I do.
Writing, She Murdered.
No one:
Me: Is my body still under warranty?
If you see a guy in an executioner’s hood feeding a deer into a Coinstar today just let me do my thing.
At this point in my life if I drop something and can’t pick it up with my foot or via one of my kids, it’s staying on the floor.
Girl: I will literally **kill** you
Tall guy: that is adorable, ilysm my lil beansprout
Short king (unsheathing his samurai sword): so it’s come to this