[turns up radio in the car]
Me: I love this song. I want us to conceive our first child to it
Hitchhiker: dude just drop me off here
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I deleted all my dating apps and I’m planning to meet a new partner the old fashioned way, necromancy.
*walks into high school reunion with six-foot tall sack of flour*
I took the assignment seriously. Anyway, this is Max… my son.
“haha! silly rabbit! trix are for-” *rabbit puts a gun to the kids head* who are they for billy. tell me again who they’re for
I had to work all night but I can’t wait until my girlfriend hears her new La Cucaracha car horn
friend: you’re saying an alien pulled you onto his ship, examined you, and threw you back?
fish: that’s exactly what I’m saying
Sorry I’m late but my goldfish needed a bath.
HER: Hi, I’m your real estate agent.
ME: It’s okay, I can tell when someone is imaginary, you can just say “estate agent”.
I found a message in a bottle. It said:
“The girl at the end of the bar is a lot hotter than she was 2 hours ago.”
Stayed up to watch the clock go from 1:59 to 1:00 am because you know, time travel
My kid: I want my ears pierced!
Me: Not yet
Her: You’re Not The Boss Of Me!
Me: I grew your ears inside my body
Instagram: look how pretty everything is
Facebook: look how easy everything is
Twitter: look how painfully funny everything can be if you just actually look at it and be honest
Tiktok: look at how dancing everything is
I’ve been waiting for this moment and it has finally happened.
I got a paper review back saying I need to familiarise myself more with the works of Heejung Chung and that my work should engage more with her work.
[After first teeth cleaning since lockdown]
Okay. Weigh me now
Björk is probably my favorite singer named after the sound a dodgeball makes
Elton John: 🎵Saturday, Saturday, Saturday, Saturday, Saturday, Saturday, Saturday, Saturday, Saturday, Saturday, Saturday, Saturday🎵
Me: Jesus Christ, we’re just going bowling.
send me a picture of a beloved item in your home
please include your address if the item is expensive and easy to carry
I never eat breakfast at home, but when on vacation I go out for breakfast every day and am like “YES I’D LIKE THE STARVING LUMBERJACK GUTBUSTER PLATTER AND A SIDE PILE OF BACON.”
INTERVIEWER: What are your skills?
BATMAN: I right things.
I: What do you write?
B: I Right People’s Wrongs.
I: Oh so you’re an editor?
My houseplants watching me put water in the espresso machine
Groom: I do.
Priest: And..
Me: can you give me a minute? [pulls best friend aside] ok what should I say because I don’t wanna look as though I like him too much and seem needy will I just say lol or make a joke.
[cranking up the heat on my slow cooker]
Me: *whispers* slow cook it faster
Me: Goddamn this mac and cheese is crunchy
Wife: You’re supposed to cook it
[Joining a gang]
me: so who do I stab for initiation?
members: again, this is a book club
When I think about ‘running a tight ship’ I’m reminded that I’m more of a ‘walking a loose boat’ kinda girl.
Guess what? My husband doesn’t let me cook because I burn everything. Did I sneak behind his back and make fried chicken today? Yes. Because sometimes you have to prove yourself. Did I catch the kitchen on fire? Also yes
shakespeare: to sleep, perchance to dream
me: *lies wide awake in bed wondering what “perchance” means*
I bet dogs at parties get tired of being singled out by socially awkward humans.
14 called me an idiot today
No, I don’t have a 14-year-old child
I mean 14 people