“When i bump into an old friend, but we can’t remember our names”
You Might Also Like
Not to brag but I can trip over things that aren’t even there!
Domino’s: FREE PIZZA
Me: sweet finally
Domino’s: ONLY $10 add $20 worth of stuff to cart???????
Me: uh what happened to free?
Domino’s: SINCE YOURE DONATING YOUR CHECK TO US PLS DONATE TO ST JUDE
Me: ok can I have my free pizza and make a donation?
Domino’s: NOW YOUR TOTAL…
Conjunctivitis implies the existence of projunctivitis.
Doctor: You’re gonna lose that eye.
Me: That’s HORRIBLE!
D: You need to be optimistic.
M: HOW?!?
D: Think of it as ‘your glasses half full’.
The worst thing about that mime stealing my woman was when he silently laughed at me
just overheard my boyfriend, who works outside all day, describe me to someone as “an indoor cat”
I just ran a .003048K
Amaranth, bulgur, kamut, quinoa.…a list of ancient grains sounds suspiciously like an list of Elder Gods.
Husband is leaning dangerously out of window whilst he cleans it. Only thing stopping me from shoving him out is that he cleans the windows
Me, noticing that no one responded to my email yet: “Wow, rude.”
Me, noticing that I have an email in the “Scheduled” queue in Gmail: “Oh.”
I used to be able to eat whatever I wanted without gaining weight. Now I pick up a fork and gain seven pounds.
ME: We live in an uncaring universe void of meaning and purpose.
WIFE: I understand, but you’re still folding all this laundry.
ME: [holding my breath]
MY BREATH: This is nice.
“you attract what you fear” ahhhhh a healthy relationship ahhhhh
ew! gross! people in other countries eat animals that we keep as pets! surely my western worldview is the universal standard of morality and im not being racist at all
[Swedish massage]
masseuse: *smashes meatballs into my back*
She didn’t understand so I took her hands & looked in her eyes & said “I know this is a Starbucks but I just want plain black coffee idiot.”
I go to Costco sometimes just to pet the rotisserie chickens.
Make new friends? bro out of what?
To all the men out there without ponytails: What are you afraid of? SUCCESS???
Son: the tooth fairy didn’t leave me any money
Me, forgetting he put a tooth under his pillow because I was up playing Fortnite until 4am: yeah I’m afraid she died
Until I got married I didn’t even know it was possible to chew bubblegum arrogantly.
This boot was made for walking.
This other boot was made for finding dog poop, apparently.
Him: I’m so high right now…no one has ever been so high
Me: oh yeah? *whips out a photo of my hair circa 1989*
Yeah sex is great, but have you ever rubbed your eyes for a really long time? O. M. G.
Snakes, cats, madagascar cockroaches, and my daughter all hiss when they’re angry. This seems like the form of self-care I’m missing.
my best friend complained about her husband to me yesterday & I advised her to leave him.
Today she tweeted “No monkey can separate us ”
*fingerpaints your nude portrait using a can of Easy Cheese*
If used correctly, Twitter can be used as an antidepressant. Just don’t take it as a suppository.
As part of our environmental commitment, we recycled* 84 tons of aluminium, 6 tons of rubber, 5 tons of glass and 14 miles of wiring just this morning alone.
*a plane missed the runway