men’s occupations according to their shower products: hunter, lumberjack, mechanic, lumberjack again
women’s occupations according to shower products: goddess, mermaid, moon spirit, butterfly,
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My grandmother reached 100 yesterday!
That’s the last time I get in the car with her when she’s late for bingo.
When you’ve simply given up.
why do dryers have a ‘less dry option?’ which one of you is ordering your socks medium rare
People on LinkedIn on a Saturday.
Who. Hurt. You?
Saw a guy on the highway in the car next to me sneeze so I ran him off the road and into the barrier. We’re in this together, folks
Our homeschooling curriculum includes: Honors Laundry and AP Vaccumming.
It’s so ridiculous how I watch 1 documentary & falsely feel like an expert. I just know if someone yelled “OH NO! Can anyone interpret these ancient Mayan hieroglyphs?!” my brain would react like “It’s okay, everyone! Stand back! I saw a documentary once! I’ve got this!”
Friend: Wow, you’ve been happily married for 25 years?! What is your secret?
Me: He travels, A LOT.
BEST FRIEND: Dude I’m broke!
ME: …
DAUGHTER: I have to sell my house!
ME: …
BROTHER: I have NOTHING, you took it ALL!
ANGEL ON SHOULDER: You should help them.
MONOPOLY GUY ON OTHER SHOULDER: FINISH THEM!
If someone doesn’t reply to my text I can only assume they have fallen down a well and will get back to me as soon as they can
I heard a landline ring the other day and I legit thought it was a fire alarm
Me: *hanging off a cliff*
Kids: Mom! Mom! Mom! Mom!
Me: Oh thank goodness! Kids, go get-
Kids: What’s for dinner?
i watch horror movies on the toilet so i can be scared shitless
Guys, I gotta run. I left the fire place video streaming.
everybody’s gangsta until seaweed touches their leg
Kids these days know “I Want It That Way” by Backstreet Boys from a Febreze commercial and I’ve never felt older…until I started this tweet with “Kids these days”.
Now whenever a kid draws a Rectangle they have to pay Apple a dollar.
This is my emotional support yacht 🎀
Interviewer: we’re looking for someone responsible
Me: perfect, I was responsible for everything that went wrong at my last job
Am I supposed to present a monologue play while I use this toilet? Wtf is it on a stage for.
Sorry I hit you with my car over and over… but you kept getting up.
Mailman: whatcha doing
Me: I’m going fishing for my neighbor Larry
Mailman: you mean WITH your neighbor
Me [casting a sausage link into Larry’s mail slot]: he likes chorizo the most
I have two goals today. Breathe (nailing it) and shower (wish me luck).
That second remote is only useful for that one button on it which you push to switch from the first remote to the third remote.
[laying in bed]
Wife: I’d rather chew on aluminum foil while listening to Nickelback
Me: …a simple, “I have a headache” would’ve been fine
What idiot called it Catfishing your Tinder Contacts and not Playing With Matches
Daughter: are ghosts real?
Me: no.
Daughter: grandma told me ghosts are real.
Me: honey, grandma passed away before you were bor-wait.
Daughter found the wrinkle cream and when I told her what it was for she said, “Daddy, you should use that when you grow up” so I guess my point here is maybe 4 isn’t too young for a pony.
Me: I’m not getting older. I’m getting bitter.
Autocorrect: Did you mean “better”?
Me: No.
Me: *clapping enthusiastically*
You: an actual strobe light would be more effective for the dance party, tho