the killers: it’s called mr. brightside. verse 1 is about being cheated on
producer: geez does it get resolved in the 2nd verse?
the killers: no, we literally just sing all of that again. won’t change a word
producer: sounds bad
the killers: its the greatest song ever written
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Ok so my grandmother is going on holiday on Friday, wants me to water her plants while she’s away & should never use emojis.
Me: Alexa, did you hear what Siri just said about you?!
Alexa: Hold my beer!!!
Patience is what parents have when there are witnesses.
Leaf blowers… making leaves your neighbor’s problem since 1977.
My Pops told me that you can’t go around trying to save everyone. They have to save themselves. He was a terrible lifeguard.
I was riding my bike this morning and a guy yelled “Cow” at me. I turned and gave him the finger…and ran straight into the cow.
We DNA tested our dog and it turns out he killed a guy in Toledo in ‘79
my accountant: look at ur currently monthly budget:
· RENT: $800
· GAS: $200
· CHEEZ-ITS: $2,750me: ur right, i need a cheaper place.
I’m that much of an introvert, I think plenty of people think I’m dead already. So I’ll just turn up to Halloween parties as myself tonight and scare the shit out of everyone.
I saw a bumper sticker that said “retired AF”
Not sure if he was Air Force, or just super retired
62% of marriage conversation is just
spouses stating “I never said that.”
Little known fact:
Henry Ford called it an automobile because “Horse with no Name” sounded stupid.
I’m not saying I’ve got a girl crush on you, I’m just saying lesbiadorable together.
Cop: So, I’m writing a ticket for driving alone in the car pool lane.
Me: You’re going to feel really stupid when you look in my trunk.
Perfecting my gay-nar. It’s an underwater homosexual detector.
when you’re a gargoyle but also afraid of heights
I’m going to go out on a limb here and fall off obviously.
Noah had a younger brother called Rick who just built a speedboat and saved 9 cheetahs
i gave my 4-year-old bubble wrap from a package and he thanked me for his christmas present. now i can’t stop thinking of all the money i could have saved
The guy that figured out babies instinctively hold their breath under water probably had a lot of explaining to do.
At the pub, it’s my job to inform people of the roots of words. I’m the designated deriver.
just saw a church sign that says, “santa claus never died for anyone.” and i’m like, “okay well jesus never brought me a barbie dreamhouse.”
Someone asked me why I was wearing a fake AirPod… bro that’s my hearing aid
I took my family out to an authentic Vietnamese place. My wife and I had pho. The kids sewed Nikes for 14 hours and were beaten. Great pho.
Imagine if we were like cows and horses and when we gave birth our baby would immediately stand up and start running around the hospital and the doctors would have to catch them and round them up in a baby pen
when your parents get a divorce you gotta figure out if pokemon mom or pokemon dad has better exclusives. lucky if you have a sibling so you can each pick one and trade
My date told me I have nice skin. It’s not like he’s gonna make a mask out of it right? *nervous laugh*
[first day as news anchor]
Me [tryin not to laugh readin report about a man gettin kicked by a horse]: hes said to be in a stable condition
[Arby’s]
BRO [jumping into car]: GO
ME: it’s lunch, not a bank heist
B: they put EXTRA CURLY FRIES in the bag
M: OMG I’m too pretty for jail