1st rule of snitch club is d-
“MIKE BROKE THE 1ST RULE!”
Ok w-
“JIM BROKE THE 3RD RULE!”
*police sirens*
Who called the cops
*everyone runs*
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what pushes u to watch 19 seasons of mfs in a hospital??
I’m at the point where my mind thinks I’m 29, my knees suggests I’m 80, and my back wonders why I’m not dead yet.
Queen Elizabeth dresses like she’s about to go to prom with Steve Harvey
The pilot’s been taxiing to our gate for 20 minutes, so apparently he landed at the wrong airport and we are driving the rest of the way.
STUDENT: what’s it like being drunk?
TEACHER: see those 6 desks? A drunk person would see 12.
STUDENT: there are only 3 desks.
Friend: you know what would suck
Me: yes, being a claustrophobic turtle
Friend:
Me:
Friend: how do you even function
Sandwich: Hi. Barman: Sorry, we dont serve food in here.
MIDDLE EAST: How can we stop ISIS?
EUROPE: How can we save our economy?
AMERICA: What color is this dress?!
Why’s it always “nyc smells like pee” and never “my pee smells like the greatest city in the world”
If your entire outfit can be purchased at a gas station it’s not appropriate for court.
Friend: are you mad?
Me: what no
Friend: you look mad
Me: I have 4 kids it’s just my face
My boyfriend tried to make me have sex on the hood of his Honda Civic. I refused. If I’m going to have sex, it’s going to be on my own Accord.
Herbal tea…for when you want to drink some scented hot water.
Sorry I’m breaking up with you but you have terrible taste in women
Who said “do something each day that scares you?” I need them to explain to my wife how I got a shark pregnant
“Open your gift”
A ‘non-stick’ frying pan?
“You don’t like it?”
Non-stick? [smashes rest of gifts] YOU KNOW HOW MUCH I LOVE STICKS BRENDA
Them: life is so unfair sometimes
Me, thinking of how I’ve never been befriended by a wild animal: yeah it really is
Me: Hey, don’t assume I’m dying alone. I might find someone, you don’t know.
Waiter: I asked if you were dining alone.
Me: Oh, sorry. Yes.
Dear Evolution,
It’s a conference call, not a bear attack. How about making me super eloquent instead of the heart rate and adrenaline?
My sister sent me a pic of her wedding dress and said it looked better on to which I asked on what, fire?
“What sins have you committed?”
Well…
[20 minutes later]
… finally fit my whole fist up there. I shit you not. Father?
*vomiting sound*
“Don’t hate me ‘cause you ain’t me.”
“No, I hate you ‘cause you say stuff like that.”
After I mow my lawn, I give my neighbor about 72 hours to respond.
I don’t have a lot of notes for pilots, but I do think they should cut their use of the word “final” down to about zero. “Descent” and “destination” work fine for our purposes out there in the main cabin.
me: please go clean your room
5: mom don’t yuck on my yums
me: who taught you that?
5: my teacher
me: …how do you feel about being a kindergarten dropout?
[at dentist]
so your X-rays look grea-
*phone rings*
hold on
*on phone* a new engine? jesus, ok
so as I was saying you have several cavities
Jan 1st: New decade going fairly well, all things considered.
Jan 2nd: Australia appears to be on fire.
Jan 3rd: World War III announced.
My boss: So… [dramatic pause]
Me, uncomfortable with silence: …a needle pulling thread?
Wait…you said JAZZ hands? Oh god. I totally misheard you. Please get me a towel.
They said she was a cat lady but when I threw her off a small building she didn’t land on her feet and now I’m in jail for murder.