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I never feel more productive than when I’m watching cleaning videos.
A young Lil’ Wayne sits alone typing lyrics into Word 97 when a cartoon paperclip suddenly appears on-screen.
[Did you mean “digger”?]
I never feel like a bigger failure than when my dog re-scratches something I just scratched for her.
The guy I paid to pave my driveway hasn’t shown up in two weeks.
I’m not worried tho. I’m sure he’ll resurface one day.
two people or more is called a problem
[4:30am]
ME: *shifts slightly in bed*
DOG: *races across house* IS IT TIME TO GO OUT NOW?
I tell people “I’m here to raise awareness” because I successfully spliced a werewolf and the lochness monster.
I demand Lisa from high school face me in a public debate about why she made out with Craig when it was MY BIRTHDAY PARTY
Girl A: We aren’t actually six years old. We’re six HUNDRED!
Girl B: Yeah. We look this young because we’re actually WITCHES and we take POTIONS to stay young!
Me: Right. But why would you choose to be 1st graders?
Girl B: Uh…
Girl A: It is possible we took too many potions.
me: I had my first crush on a girl when I was in the first grade.
my 7yo: wow that was a long time ago do you think she’s still alive?
Son: How does this end?
Me: Well, some people go to heaven, but others go to hell where they are tortured forever in a horrifying apocalyptic wasteland
Son: No this movie
Me: Shrek marries Fiona
Do you think in a parallel universe they just call it parking?
[ day 2 of self quarantine ]
me: i’m bored
my cat: have you tried dropping something into a shoe
As much as I love making terrible science puns I understand why they need to be periodically tabled
Hell hath no fury like a woman being told she looks tired.
I bought a 3D printer, now I can print a moral compass
Wow, pretty rude for people to exist that are younger & hotter than me but OK
My online therapist says you can’t live your life in fear….He also sells shampoo.
I wonder how many medieval chefs were executed because the king’s food taster had food allergies
Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Teach him how to fish, and he will sit in a boat and drink beer all day.
Was my family happy about the new “no phones at the dinner table” rule? No. But did we have some great conversations as a result? Also no.
“midlife crisis” buddy i’m having a whole life crisis
Her: Oh, please… You’ll make a pass at anything in a skirt.
Me: Yeah, last night a Scotsman nearly killed me!
Me: so you know how people just throw away dog poop?
Her: I already hate where this is going
Me: I’m gonna collect it and sell it as fertilizer. I’m gonna be an—
Her: *softly* no
Me: entre-manure
Her: I’m staying with my sister
This morning the cat gently nudged my sleep mask off of my eyes at exactly 7:30 AM, an adorable – but ultimately unacceptable – development.
What if all those PhDs stop just defending and actually start attacking?!?
Floating in a sensory deprivation tank is a pretty good indication it’s not working out outside the womb
haven’t exploited a dead relative for attention yet but it’s on the table
[trust fall exercise at work]
CW: *closes eyes, falls, hits floor* OUCH! WTF?! YOU DIDN’T CATCH ME!
M: Sorry, I thought it was optional.