I just saw a pizza delivery guy get in a terrible accident. I feel so bad. Someone’s just sitting around, wondering where their pizza is.
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Me: So then, He-Man & Skeletor come to terms with their feelings and make out.
Priest: Again, writing fan fiction isn’t necessarily a sin
BREAKING: Pluto is once again a regular planet.
“It was always huge & full sized!” said one dwarf planet scientist with a fake mustache.
Museum Philanthropy: We stole all this shit, now you can look at it.
Don’t you just love arts and crafts?
I’m happy my date didn’t snoop in my medicine cabinet but sad I spent an hour setting up 40 ping pong balls in there for nothing
I have all of the qualities men want in an ex-wife and none of the ones they want in a girlfriend.
If an Orange tries to sell you drugs, don’t buy them. Chances are you’ve already done enough drugs.
I put the whiskey in another room …
Exercise regimen established.
My New Year’s resolutions:
1. Stop making lists.
B. Be more consistent.
7. Learn to count.
Our dog snores so loud we had to rename him Grandpa
Me: I’m shy
Tequila: Not anymore
Sorry I said your mom’s beef stroganoff was stroganawful.
Me: I want a never ending spoon of Ben and Jerry’s
Genie: done
Ben Affleck and Jerry Garcia: why are we hugging this guy
Me: shhh
Papa john’s: order a pizza!
Mama john’s: we have pizza at home
MAGICIAN: Is this your card?
ME: No
MAGICIAN: Is this your card?
ME: No
MAGICIAN: This one?
ME: No. When is our regular postman back from holiday?
My dad: Which highway did you take?
Me: The one Maps told me to. I dunno. I remember there was asphalt. Other cars and stuff
“My eyes are up here,” I said as I clutched my burrito tighter.
EARTH: Let’s just be friends
MOON: Ok I understand [circles the earth for 4 billion years]
Me: I’d like to bring my puppy in to see how much she weighs.
Vet: Just weigh yourself then weigh yourself holding her and subtract.
Me: no thank you
my mom gave me a whistle in case you guys start giving me advice
Go down a water slide without water and you’ll understand why foreplay is so important.
Mom: Time to wake updog.
Son: *groggily* What’s updog?
Mom: Just waking you up for school, dog, what’s up wit u?
Dad (from hallway): OWNED
Boss: It’s Labor Day. Everyone gets the day off to celebrate all the hard work they do during the year.
Me: Is that why I’m-
Boss: That’s why you’re working.
The best part of marriage is faking a deep sleep so he’ll let the dog out in the morning.
I could totally identify with REM if the song had been called “Losing my Shit” instead
*calls boss*
Me: I can’t come to work.
Boss: Why not?
Me: Gotham city needs me.
Boss: …You’re not Batman.
Me: Oh, yes, yes, exaaaactly.
“Your dinner is good, but my taste buds can’t appreciate it” my son said, so I guess he’ll have a great career in politics
Husband: you’re in great condition.
Me: are you complimenting me or writing a craigslist ad?
*has argument with husband*
*brings up all the dumb shit he said in 2011**adds “Historian” to bio*
Interviewer: have you ever made, eaten or even seen a sandwich?
Dude: no
Interviewer: you’re hired welcome to Subway