*Closes refrigerator door and hears contents inside fall*
Well… sounds like a problem for the next person.
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So I had self diagnosed back problems and went to check out orthopedic mattresses. I would like to testify that the price tag healed me.
Me: my tooth hurts when I suck
Dentist: so you’re in constant pain
On your deathbed tell everyone “pray for me” then make sure to leave a note to be opened after you die that says “pray harder next time”
What was your favorite part of school today?
1st child: My teacher told me that I was a great helper!
2nd child: Taking toys away from my friends!
Every workplace has a hard worker like this! 🤣🤣
There are people who will follow you for your Avi, so either look cute or put a pizza pic.
“You get a Bible! You get a Bible! You get a Bible! You all get Biibbbllleess!!!!
~Poprah
Expect the unexporcupine.
I hate it when I imagine how a conversation will go and then in the actual conversation the person goes off script. That’s not your line, Todd.
“Alexa, homeschool the children.”
I know it sounds mean but when I’m mad at my wife and want to lash out, I blow out her scented candles when she’s not looking.
No you cannot have candy until you finish your spoonful of Nutella is apparently something I say now
Me: Why is your sister listed as your emergency contact?
Husband: Because you won’t answer your phone.
Me: Yes I would! Maybe. Probably. Well, eventually.
“I just figured the ‘H’ was broken on your sign”
Nope, this is what I sell here. Now how many Doug nuts do you want?
#WhenYouAdoptAPet you’ll always be safe from cheese. #tailsofjoy
When one door closes, I lock it.
I’m not chancing someone else getting in.
I’ve never been more afraid of my wife than the time I ate a potato off of her plate.
knowledge is knowing the difference between ‘poisonous’ and ‘venomous’
wisdom is not arguing with your partner about it when they’ve been bitten by a snake
Husband: I love you.
Me: Bullshit name 2 of my albums.
Headache Protip:
Bang your toe into something.
How come I only know the shortcuts for copy & paste and internet history, yet the cat can walk across the keyboard and open a bank account?
Hey microwaves that make me hit a “time” button before I start pressing numbers: what else would I be trying to do here, make a phone call?
I wasnt home for a few days and somebody taught my cat Karate
me: hello darkness my old friend
darkness: friend is a strong word
So bored I just logged into my LinkedIn account.
Move over, pizza rat. 🍕 A Philadelphia woman found a groundhog outside of her home munching on a piece of pizza for over an hour, completely unfazed by her two dogs.
The ketchup bottle always teaches you new ways it can destroy your shirt.
No One:
No One’s Date: Are you always this quiet?