Change is supposed to be a good thing, but I don’t think pennies, nickels, and dimes have ever done anything to deserve my respect.
You Might Also Like
Online piracy is bad, one time I downloaded a boat
My kid force-fed me popcorn so I had to act like I hated it, but it was secretly amazing
Satan: “Waaazzz up?”
God: “Speak of the Devil.”
Satan: “Really?”
God: “Sorry, figure of speech.”
Satan: “Jesus Christ.”
Jesus: “What?”
For two years in high school, I took guitar lessons. Something interesting I learned is that guitar resale nets a 45% loss.
Me: tis better to have loved and lost than to embarrass yourself in front of mall security
Her: WHERE THE HELL IS OUR SON
I fantasize about you, but I also fantasize about the day I’ll show someone up in a dance battle, so it’s not saying much.
I always say “goodbye” to the Wal-Mart greeter, just to close that loop.
I’m not paying the ransom for my son. We do not negotiate with hospitals.
When I go jogging, I listen to a portable CD player, so people think I’ve been running for 10 years.
“We’ve been trying to reach you about your car’s extended warranty.”
Them: What’s the hardest thing you’ve ever had to say to someone?
Me: Probably… Saskatchewan
Them: …
Me: or Worcestershire
“Maybe she’s born with it, but most likely she botched it at home” should be my slogan when I color my own hair.
Whoever accidentally put their dentist appointment in my ical it’s tomorrow morning! Don’t be late!
turns out Xenophobia is not ‘A fear of Warrior Princesses’
[Commercial]
*Camera focuses on a man choking on a whole apple*
Narrator: “If only there was a better way?”
[On Screen Caption]
TEETH
My sweet granny could remember tunes but not lyrics ,so I used to happily fall asleep with ”Hush now baby don’t you shout, I’ll open the window, and throw you out” . Don’t judge
they shouldn’t make rare paintings “priceless” – they should give them a price. that way if they’re stolen, the thief has a number to go with when selling the rare paintings
would Iove a queer bar called something normal. Instead it’s like here I am spending another night at the gaping hole
Threads is like Adibas trainers or a Bolex watch
[traffic court]
Your honor, I’m here to dispute 4 of my 5 tickets
JUDGE: Repeat infractions?
Ok, I’m here to dispute ⁴/₅ of my tickets
Friend: I want my funeral to be a celebration of life and not sad or depressing.
Me: Screw that. I want people climbing onto my casket and asking God to take them too.
The story of Narcissus falling in love with his reflection is a little far-fetched.
*takes 87 selfies*
Why, in the name of heck, do they call it a “fun-size” candy bar when the fun part is getting more candy, not less? 🍫😠
This guys gifted me lighter, I guess he is my cigarette santa.
8 year old touching under her eye: Mom, what is it called when your eyes look tired?
Me: It’s “you have bags under your eyes” but you don’t have any, baby.
8 year old: I know, but you do.
Tired of not knowing if I should swipe my credit card, insert the chip or punch myself in the face.
me: aw i look so cute
my camera: are you in the right headspace to receive information that could possibly hurt you?
Who is feeling this?
#HorrorFam #LordOfTheRings
concern