Boss: Can I see you in my office?
Me: Idk how dark is it?
You Might Also Like
HUSBAND: We’re meeting my parents at noon. Did you shower yet?
(flashback to me using a wet wad of toilet paper to wash my armpits)
ME: Yes.
Can everyone please stop tweeting the clapping emoji it’s making all my lights turn on and off
Gonna call faux pockets “fauxckets” because it’s close to the expletive I use when I realize they’re fake.
When I was younger I was into athletics. I miss the guys from the 4x400m relay team. We ran in the same circles.
i wish they named cookies something different because every time a website asks me to accept cookies, and i decline, a little part of my heart is like, but i love cookies, just not your kind
Important
Only a fool would use the toothbrush the dentist gives you. You think the dentist would freely hand you the tools that would keep them away?
My sensitive skin moisturizer is sulking again
We’re quarantined with our laptops and our phones. If they’re not texting u back, they just don’t want to
Sloth isn’t such a bad sin. It keeps me from committing the other six.
“Where’s my money?” – a loan shark
“Where are my friends? – alone shark
“I decided I wanted to be a ninja so I googled “Ninja School”, followed the link and the page could not be found. Well played, Ninja School”
The greatest ending to a video game to ever exist.
witch: what do u need?
me: a spell to make my dad proud
dad: *rips off witch mask* always looking for a shortcut unbelievable
WIFE: Can I get your wallet from your back pocket?
ME: [current world hula champion] You can try
WIFE: if you misinterpret one more thing I say, I’m leaving
ME: please don’t, I promise I’ll change
WIFE: ok you’ve got a week
ME: [crying] a weak what?
Kylo Ren used to complain his parents were passive aggressive.
Well, boo hoo.
My dad was actively aggressive.
Just ask my hand.
Text:
OMG! I can’t believe you tweet such
vile, offensive, filthy, sick things.
You should be removed from society.
GET HELP!Love Mom XO
Angel: welcome to heaven
Me: holy shit
Angel: ooh you swore get out
Devil: welcome to hell
Me: holy shit
Devil: ugh u said holy get out
You and I share a very special connection.
*I’m parked outside your house using your Wi-fi.
Cop: We’re going to charge you with battery
Terminator: Oh you’re a life saver, I’m on 3%
I just know I will die trying to pet something I shouldn’t.
I haven’t had bread in 3 weeks. I look great but now all I think about is bread. I’m basically a duck at this point.
*bedtime*
Me: What does Winnie sleep in?
10: Dad… no
Me: POOJAMAS!!
10: I’ll go straight to sleep if you’ll just stop.
You can make anything sound British if you add the word “force” after the first word.
Eg:
Guitar force
Tea time force
Biscuit force
Football force
Dawn’s coming over.
“Dawn from work, or crazy Dawn?”
*Dawn walks in* “WELL WELL WELL, if it isn’t the lady I’m framing for murder.
ME: My new contacts are here!
WIFE: Don’t put them all on at once like you did last—
ME: [eyes wide] I CAN SEE YOUR BONES
Just got glasses for the first time in 20 years and holy shit everyone looks terrible
My wife teaches high school math and half of her time is spent just making sure that none of the math problems she gives to the kids end up with an answer of 69 or 420
o shit