The evil clown mannequin I put in my window must be working because no one has ever broken in. Or visited me.
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Ladies, if he:
– doesn’t introduce you to his parents
– never calls you back
– has four feet
– smells like potato chips
– could easily be mistaken for a loaf of breadthat’s my pug, you’re dating my pug
My mom: Easter is at noon on Sunday.
Me: I’m not religious but I’m pretty sure Easter is all day.
I’ve got something stuck in my tooth, but instead of flossing I think I will just drive myself nuts all day by trying and failing to get it out with my tongue.
Dear White People,
Stop making videos of yourselves singing songs from ‘Frozen’!
Dyslexics are teople poo!
BEAR IN A TRENCHCOAT: yes i’m here for the fish tube job
there comes a point in every parent’s life when they consider the possibility that they might need to lower their expectations
Sorry I panicked and told your kids that Santa is able to visit every house in one night because he does meth.
I miss the good ol’ days until I remember things like having to get out of my chair and smack the tv to get a clearer picture.
Ice cream. Ewes scream. We all scream because there are angry sheep in this Baskin Robbins.
Therapist: How does that make you feel?
Me: Like I want to stab someone.
Therapist: That’s an action, lets focus on a feeling word.
Me: Like if I don’t get to stab someone I will be sad.
Stop blaming your parents.
You’re 32.
Blame your spouse.
Whomsoever named Big Bird really nailed it.
Any animal that has a face CAN SPEAK. They’re just being stubborn.
Why isn’t there an egg flavored Gatorade you cowards?
[being haunted]
Me: *tries to text ghostbusters*
Ghost: actually you have to call them, they’re pretty specific about that
Me:
Ghost:
Me: you know what being haunted is fine
My 4yo keeps calling me ‘young man’ and I corrected him by saying, ‘I’m not a young man, I’m an old woman.’ I feel like he set me up.
Every time I hear someone say “The Lord works in mysterious ways,” I picture him performing miracles while doing the robot.
My son got his license and I’m terrified, but totally ok if he wants to drive to McDonald’s and get me a McFlurry.
Did you have a good weekend or did your 4 y/o tell a lady with grey hair in the greeting card isle to “Move it old lady!”?
[Eating wings]
Pilot: This is a bad idea
[CREATING GROUNDHOGS]
GOD: a rat dog
ANGEL: check
GOD: that whispers to white people
ANGEL: what?
GOD: about the weather
ANGEL:
If you say “I’m fine” while squirting a can of whipped cream straight into your mouth, people won’t believe you but they will also leave you alone.
it was the busta rhymes, it was the wursta rhymes
Your 20s are for figuring out who you are.
Your 30s are for figuring out where you want to be.
Your 40s are for figuring out what the attachments to your vacuum do
[job interview]
Interviewer: “Do you have any questions for me?”
Me: “How strong is the wifi signal in the restroom?”
Interviewer:
People: why do dogs bark at the mail man every single day
Dogs: the mailman has literally never gotten in how do you not see what I’m doing
Don’t go chasing waterfalls. *turns on tap* We have their children. They will come to us.
Back to the Future IV: Marty Mcfly stops being obsessed with his own family and goes back in time to kill Hitler.
Me: Do you think I’m fat?
Scale: Err