The most romantic way to propose is to put the ring in their dessert and when they bite it and break their tooth you yell “surprise, babe, you’re gonna be my wife and I have DENTAL COVERAGE”
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WIFE: i have a gynecologist exam today
ME: what?? i didn’t even know you were in med school
Finally getting around to calling all those kids that wrote in my middle school yearbook, “We should hang out this summer.”
My weight loss plan is to skip breakfast and lunch…
And then eat seven dinners.
I wonder what the part of my brain that used to store people’s phone numbers is doing now.
Personal trainer: How’s your diet been going?
Me: Absolutely amazing
Personal trainer: May I ask what you’ve been eating?
Me: You may not
[Starbucks intercom]
“Will the man that ordered the Skinny Cinnamon Dolce Latte please pick up your drink. No one is looking.”
I would like to take a moment to publicly apologize to my wife for answering her phone and bringing it to her while she was on the toilet. I didn’t know your boss was facetiming you
Great. Only a single slice of bread left in the bag. That means until I find another slice, everything that happens today is in the sandwich
I’m afraid my Roomba is going to kill me in my sleep, and then clean up all of the evidence.
Today I brought my trash out wearing roller skates and a tiara simply because I like keep my neighbors guessing.
[DEATH ROW]
WARDEN: Last meal?
CON: Just a glass of lemonade please
*Drinks lemonade/Burps*
WARDEN: Pardon
[CON WALKS FREE]
W: SHIT
[fight scene – me and a murderer kick a gun across the room and grapple for it]
me: [reaching under couch] shit
murderer: let me try i have longer arms
me: you do not
murderer: do too. stand up
[we measure arm length]
me: wow
murderer: yeah i got like a 6’3” wingspan
Going as a hashtag for Halloween so everybody ignores me.
I don’t know why this driver threw his hands up and asked what I was doing. I thought it was pretty clear I was cutting him off.
I hate to say I’m better than u but… I can name all the Ninja Turtles & tell u their weapon & bandana color
*slides into home plate and crowd goes wild*
Hey everybody, be quiet for a minute!
*pulls out phone, dials number*
Hi mom, I got home safe.
You can always gauge my mood by the type of animal videos I share: sweet puppy videos or a cat smacking the shit out of someone.
Things are finally coming to a head.
~inspirational zit
I want whatever ice cream is most popular served at my funeral bc I think it would be funny to see a bunch of adults eating ice cream cones but really sadly
PMS: Going to the dentist?
ME: Yeah.
PMS: Gonna tell him what happened?
ME: *flashback of biting into an ice cream container*
Nah.
Does beer think about me too?
mom, did you know there are more kids than teachers at my school?
-my 7 year old making the best of her public education
If I’m reading their lips correctly, it looks like my neighbors are having an argument about the creepy guy next door.
I’m sorry. I know I said hi, but I wasn’t really prepared for any follow-up conversation.
[strip to the waist for my fight club debut]
Opponent: “dude they meant the top half” *walks away*
[I claim victory and retire undefeated]
Sometimes you just need to dance naked in the kitchen. The manager at this Burger King seems to feel differently though.
Went to WalMart today and still had all my kids when I got home. Next week, I’ll try harder.
Don’t ever mistake me for someone who hasn’t flirted with danger. I’ve got bitten by a Penguin. Twice.
Welcome to Twitter 2 point Uh oh.