I met my amazing husband in my 30s on OkCupid and you can too! I don’t think he ever deleted his profile
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I was shit at school. I turned up to the wrong lessons and sat the wrong exams. The rest as they say is geography.
Atheists are Popeless romantics.
Does the employee manual say I CAN’T set up my camping tent inside my cubicle? No? Then please step outside & zip the door up behind you.
If you have a horse and you didn’t name it Edgar Allan Pony, we can’t be friends.
my youngest is about to become a teen so that makes me a teen mom, right?
Trainer: What’s the most intense part of your work out?
Me: Getting into my sports bra.
Waking kids up 1st day of school: hey sweeties time to wake up I made you a frittata, fruit salad, and freshly squeezed orange juice
Waking kids up for the second day of school: EVERYBODY UP WE’RE LATE GRAB A POP TART AND GOOOOO
My kids were helping me clean & then they asked what their reward would be.
Um how about you continue to live here?
Who needs expensive lip plumpers when your toddler can hit you in the face with a toy train for free?
*finally detangles ear buds
*plane lands
hedgehog getting an x-ray looks like a whoopee cushion is being interrogated
Canada has crack?
I hate all the “creepy clown” news. I’m having a clown solidarity march at dusk near an abandoned insane asylum. Need a calliope player.
I signed up for a Yahoo email address and suddenly turned 85 years old.
If you’re happy and you know it eat a bug
BARISTA: hey, your drink is on the house today
ME: oh, wow
BARISTA: yup
[awkward pause]
ME: could…could you get it down?
🎉Made my last car payment 🎉
I still owe a lot but I’m just not paying anymore
ME: *moistens lips with tongue*
DENTIST: don’t ever do that to me again
IDEAL UBER DRIVER:
-Clean car
-Doesn’t talk to me during drive
-Plays good music
-When he drops me off tells me he’s my father who left when I was 4 & has secretly followed my life and has always been proud of me
*dusts off treadmill*
Alright, that’s enough cardio for one day.
I want to run away and live in a forest but like with my phone.
4yo: i’m going to scare them when they come in the door
me: oh wow that’s silly
4yo: yeah but I won’t kill them. This time.
me: wait, what?
I asked my wife to share her queen sized blanket to which she replied she was a queen and therefore the blanket was already at max capacity
[inventing facebook]
Everyone: My family isn’t racist.
Mark Zuckerburg: Oh ahahahahaha
Ghost: *walking out with suitcase* I can’t haunt you anymore.
Me: Why?
Ghost: YOU’RE BORING AF.
Me: *puts “exorcist” on résumé*
2020 has lasted five years but October only lasted a week.
Life is like a box of chocolates, once you have kids it’s gone.
TAYLOR SWIFT: Yes, I’d love to go out with you!
ME: Sweet. *imagining being immortalized in a Top 40 hit song*
New COVID variant subscribes you to random podcasts.
Doctor: Absolutely DO NOT take this medication with grapefruit juice.
Me: How about bourbon?
Doctor: Grapefruit juice will be fine