“Ladies, calm down. Girlfriend, wife, whatever. The important thing is that between the 2 of you, you brought enough to post my bail”
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The cashier wasn’t impressed with my top hat, sash, and monocle until I said “Keep the change” from the $1 I gave him for my $0.95 purchase.
Snoring doesn’t sound like little honk shoo honk shoos and I feel like I’ve been lied to my entire life
A Quiet Place but it’s just me trying to open a piece of cheese without my dog hearing
The occasional loneliness I feel being single doesn’t compare to the pure bliss of never having to share my Hershey’s cream pie or bacon.
My boss just criticized me, saying that my writing is almost unintelligible and unbecoming a professional, but I don’t think it’s portmantotally malapropriate.
Me: You are not going to believe this…
Priest: Your confessions will always be belived, my child
Me: There is no toilet paper over here.
Those orcas won’t leave my driveway.
therapist: why do you do that
me: ummm i don’t know babe u tell me
I’m not a professional photographer, I’m just a club photographer. I take pictures at the club & people pay me to delete them.
you can skip the karate classes and just buy a black belt. no one will care.
My husband is taking me to a scenic bridge today so i guess this is goodbye
Did you ever wonder what happened to He-Man to make him get bangs?
If you don’t open your mouth while putting on mascara, you die.
Would you wear it?
“Mrs. Doubtfire” is my favorite movie about a messy custody battle that gives way to horribly illegal and creepy transgendered stalking.
“Oh, look! She’s drinking vodka, let’s kill her!” – Spiral staircases
When they ask if you got a minute and then you sit and watch the typing bubbles for 15 min.
It happened. I witnessed the most Philly thing ever.
A fight broke out DURING a showing of the Mister Rogers movie.
when i was 12 i read lingerie like it’s spelled and everyone started laughing and they were like “haha LINGERIE? it’s *lauwnzhoureigh” and i was like ?? how am i the idiot in this situation? sorry i actually know how to read. sorry i don’t just make up sounds when i see letters.
{the invention of maple syrup}
So, Jacques, have you ever sucked a tree?
Me: Damn, there is no better feeling than skin on skin
store employee: Sir, you…you know you know you have to buy that pack of chicken now right?
[Twister]
DOG 1: left paw green
DOG 2: i told u this was a terrible idea
DOG 1: cmon Jim just pick the green one
DOG 2: THEYRE ALL GREY GARY
[email from Cheryl in HR] Stop calling it Januternity. You’re damaging staff morale.
Women’s fall fashion is basically coming up with ways to wear a blanket without it looking like you’re wearing a blanket.
Bought a snake just so I wouldn’t waste the name ‘Hisstopher’.
Have you ever met someone that was like the human form of slow WiFi?
I’m not sure what my three-year-old needs more, naps or an exorcism.
Do you think Ariel ate the scallops whose shells she wears as a bra or that she just found them?
Waiter: I meant any questions about our menu.
A good thing to say to someone who is overindulging at a Chinese restaurant is “hey buddy, it’s called dim sum, not dim all.”