Too bad they cancelled the Chicago Marathon I was going to run it this year
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“Listen, you’ll get your money, I just need a little more time.”
[costume shop]
Me: I’d like a cloak, please.
Clerk: is plepsi ok?
Listen employers if I could see where I’d be in five years I’d be joining the X-Men not applying for your shitty job.
Me: we need to pick 9 up from school
4: we’ve picked him up a lot lately, let’s just leave him there today
Pardon me while I slip into something a little more… unconscious.
If any of you toddler parents need some encouragement to keep pushing through those toddler years – I just slept in until 11 am on a Sunday.
Twitter. Finally an app that makes people stop at yellow lights.
Thank god that racist basketball guy showed up or we’d still be talking about how we’re not finding that airplane.
A demon that writes messages on your mirror with blood but they’re useful messages. Like “remember you have yoga at 6 tonight”
My 4yo: Let’s play a game!
Me: Is it you throw toys around the house and I pick them up?
4: No. Yes.
I talk a lot of shit for someone who has to let out a Karate yell in order to stand up from tying their shoes.
“Drop it like it’s hot,” is my favorite song about dropping stuff that’s hot.
fiancée: I’ve chosen a date for the wedding
me: WHO IS HE
It’s called Wal-Mart because the Center for Disease Control was taken.
boss: can we talk?
me: sure
boss: people are afraid of you because you’re obsessed with the devil
me: okay, first of all his name is lucifer
one time while we were eating dinner my uncle suddenly ran into our house & told us that he just ate a whole apple pie & needed to hide out for a few hours. a few minutes later a bunch of cop cars raced by
Throwing away expired eggs like some sort of millionaire
As my mom finishes up cutting up my steak for me, I can’t help but notice that my date looks upset.
[tracker kneels and examines spoor]
– A herd of idiots has passed this way but an hour ago.
– How can you tell?
– Look. Fresh nincompoop.
#WhyDoPeopleThinkItsOkayTo replace letters in words with numbers….well now i don’t feel like reading the math equation you just sent me
Coaxing one piece of costume jewelry at a time off my toddler as she sighs and weeps like a disgraced aristocrat pawning her jewels to save the family estate
Me: who’s that?
Me: who’s that?
Me: who’s that?
Me: who’s that?
Me: who’s that?
Me: who’s that?
Me: why are you leaving?-me, watching an Avengers movie with my family
Marriage teaches you a lot about yourself. For instance, I’ve learned that I don’t need to use so many paper towels, and they’re expensive.
I don’t realize how easily manipulated I am until I watch a nature documentary.
I’m rooting for whichever animal is in the title.
Sorry gazelles I know I just cheered for your survival 10 minutes ago but this is a new episode and David Attenborough tells me we like lions now.
well, that freaky sound coming from the basement was just the pipes going wonky
of course, I didn’t have a basement this morning, so that’s a whole different problem
I stepped on my cat’s tail & now he’s on the phone with his lawyer trying to press charges.
Pilot: Plane’s too heavy, must shed 5 passengers!
Co-Pilot: A deserted island’s below us…
*lock eyes* We have to MAROON 5!
*plane implodes
(Trump rally)
Trump: I’ll take questions now.
Reporter: How will you fix California’s drought?
Trump: More water.
Crowd: *cheers wildly*
Wife: It’s date night!
Me: So, a movie, and… You still have that school uniform?
W: Yes. *winks*
M: Maybe you can get a student discount.
“Now I am become Death, the destroyer of worlds.”
– Twitter IT engineer that pressed the button for the 280 character limit update