Listen if vampires don’t age or whatever then why aren’t there any films about vampires set in a future where we all live in space??? Space Vampires?! Do I have to do everything around here
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The Macarena was just a tutorial on how to fold a sweater.
[Commercial for babies]
*100 year old woman trying to feed a brick a bottle of milk*
“There’s got to be a better way”
Man, my tummy really hurts, I should probably have another latte and a third and fourth croissant about it
[Thanksgiving at the In-laws]
Me (patting wife’s belly): “Remember you’re eating for two now”
Mother-in-law (smiling): “You mean…”
Me: “That’s right. She’s got a tapeworm”
Every morning after I get up, the first thing I do is make my bed.
Tomorrow I’m returning this piece of shit to IKEA.
#HatDadJoke
Attention Walmart Shoppers –
There is someone dressed
Appropriately in
Aisle 12
*holds flashlight under chin
Me: suddenly the mystery of…Son: haha Dad has like 3 chins
*drops flashlight
Me: SANTA CLAUS IS FAKE!!
A timely reminder before St. Patrick’s Day. #PaddynotPatty
Photosynthesis is the process used by plants to convert a picture into a thousand words
[swimming pool]
Me: but what if there’s a shark in there?
Lifeguard: that’s impossible
Shark: *popping head out of the water* I have an English degree and it’s improbable
A joke is only funny if both of you are laughing.
*and other lies we tell our kids
the world is kind of a disaster anyways let’s do a Jurassic park, dinosaurs deserve another go
Dads mark their territory by sneezing loudly.
If you give a man a fish he’ll eat for a day but if you teach a kid how to make pop tarts your job as a parent is pretty much done
Mother: And where did you see this show?
Kid: I saw it on Hulu.
Mother: *raises disapproving eyebrow*
Kid: *sighs* I saw it on Whomlu.
I’ve never been addicted to drugs, but I imagine the urge is what my mother-in-law feels to rearrange my utensil drawer at my house.
*Librarian walks in* You know what’s great kids? You don’t need wifi to read a book!
*Kids boo*
*Someone in the crowd yells “NERD”*
I basically have three hairstyles.
1. Straight
2. Wavy
3. Homeless
Tiger: *after killing several zoo animals* forget what you saw here…or you’re next
Gazelle: ok
Monkey: ok
Zebra: ok
Elephant: oh no
Friend: I need your advice.
Me: Wear less eyeshadow.
Friend: I meant about my love life.
Me:
Friend:
Me:
Friend:
Me: Wear less eyeshadow.
who wants to go expliring
I drove by two different First Baptist churches today.
One of them is lying.
Vegetarians need to chill. Mankind is messed up because someone ate an apple they weren’t supposed to.
Why do we call it tunafish? Is there any other tuna out there that’s not a fish?!!?
Maybe I forgot to text back. Maybe it’s Maybelline.
To avoid another embarrassing moment like when I was stood up on prom night, I always keep at least 1 penguin around.
If I like you I keep you close, if not I keep you at a distance so I can mime squishing your head between my thumb and forefinger.
It’s extremely difficult to search my tweets when I constantcessantly make up nonsensicalistic words and greatastic werges.
the 80s were wild man, you had bands naming themselves after predatory cats with hearing problems