People who have to keep a phone charger in the bathroom; have you heard of shredded wheat and raisin bran?
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Told my dealer I wanted a shitload of Coke but autocorrect changed it to shipload now I owe a Columbian cartel 18 million dollars
Neil Patrick Harris couldn’t host a tapeworm without a musical number. #Emmys
My foto for you
I hope you are a good girl
Your foto look nice#haiku
[shopping]
My Son: This chair will hold up to 300 pounds!
Me: Why did you look at me when you said that?
writer: I’m so good at beginnings but never can finish strong
writers wife: *under her breath* ain’t that the truth
*watches Charlotte’s Web*
Netflix: you might also enjoy…
Babe
Peppa Pig
Season 1 episode 1 of Black Mirror
Mickey Mouse’s pants out of context look like something that would try to kill Mario.
My husband still waves to policemen like a 5 year old.
[Date night]
WIFE: Remember the night we met?ME: Yeah you walked in, I was eating pizza, and our eyes met
WIFE: It was amazing
ME: It really was and I don’t normally like deep pan
I think I speak for everyone when I say how dare you, Oreo serving size, how dare you.
life: do your best
me: (doing my best)
life: no a different best
Bartender: This is from that guy at the end of the bar.
Me: A glass of milk??
*looks to the left*
Crap. That’s my Doctor.
the crazy thing about being a woman is regardless of how much you grow and what you achieve, we will never be entirely safe from the sudden urge to get bangs
“I really like Eminem.”
” I prefer smarties.”
“No, the rapper.”
“Why would you eat the wrapper?”
#FridayVibes #RubbishJokes
Counting calories is great for when you want to eat and do math and cry at the same time.
I swear, even my ex lasted longer than my phone battery does.
Nobody in this meeting knows I have a McChicken in my pocket.
Prisoner: Why’s it called a “shiv”?
Cellmate: It’s short for “shiver”
Prisoner: “Shiver”? But how does that relate to stabbing?
Cellmate: the shiv part comes before the ER
Prisoner: damn that’s cold
jigsaw: I have injected you with a deadly poison
me [sitting in a chair]: OMG
jigsaw: if you want to live the antidote is on the other side of the room
me: I don’t understand, I’m not tied up?
jigsaw: *places sleeping kitten on my lap*
me: goodbye cruel world
alien: greetings earthlings
me: wow looks like they’ve learned our language
alien: yeet us to yaass queen
me: *pinches nose* ffs
FRIEND WHO JUST GOT BIT BY A VERY VENOMOUS SPIDER: Hurry, the antidote!
ME: This reminds me of a time
FRIEND: No, not an anecdote! *Dies*
When two people miss a high five two ghosts get smacked in the face
My son played a song in the car and I actually liked it. Hell has frozen over.
If any of my ex-girlfriends are reading this, I want you to know I’m eating chicken nuggets with THREE different dipping sauces, you blew it
Married people upset because their TC’s “cheated” on them is the real matrix.
[spelling bee]
JUDGE: your word is “bananas”
GWEN STEFANI: oh hell yes
Alice: I’m late.
White Rabbit: Haha, that’s my line
Alice:
White Rabbit:
Alice: *stares*
White Rabbit: oh shit
I literally never cry, so my body makes up for it by leaking out of different places. My doctor says it’s called “peeing” what a dumb idiot.
E-Harmony Rep: And here’s your starter cat-
Me: What?
Rep: Here’s your starter pack.
Me: You said cat.
Rep:
Me:
Rep:
Me:
Rep: *folder meows*
“gravy is not a beverage.” ok well that’s why I was trying to drink it in the bathroom, so you wouldn’t see me