When everyone is getting off the zoom call but you’re struggling to find the leave meeting button so then it’s just you and the host
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ATTORNEY: What were you doing the night of the murder?
ME: Not murdering.
ATTORNEY: But where were you?
ME: {sweating} The not murder store.
Airport Yelp reviews are like “security took forever, drinks are too expensive 1/5 stars. Will fly again”
Hostage: [screaming]
Mafia boss: hurry up and tape his mouth!
Me: [still trying to find the beginning of the tape on the roll]
3 reasons I’m not a hiker:
1. I don’t like sweating.
2. I don’t like getting lost.
3. I don’t like stumbling across human remains in shallow graves.
SCIENTIST: You are my finest creation, and I love you like a son even though you’ve malfunctioned and now only say-
ROBOT: Fight me, dipshit
For fun, DM “can I be honest with you…” and then walk away for 2 hours.
Every heartwarming human interest story in america is like “he raised $20,000 to keep 200 orphans from being crushed in the orphan-crushing machine” and then never asks why an orphan-crushing machine exists or why you’d need to pay to prevent it from being used.
[at the pet store]
Me: I’d like a baby lizard please
[later at home]
Me: isn’t he cute?
Wife [heavily pregnant]: I said a baby monitor
[grocery store]
Ok, milk… Check!
Eggs… Check!
Tomatoes… Check!“Sir, can you wait for the total and just write one check please?”
“Constructive criticism” was invented by some tyrant as a way to say, “I’m going to upset you and you’re going to thank me.”
I don’t understand people with clean houses. My house looks like a hurricane and tornado broke in, got into a brawl, and left
People on Twitter: OMG I love how confident you are
Me: [playing trivia at a bar by myself because I assume people don’t want me on their team even though two groups of friends literally asked me to join their teams] yep
My cell phone fell in the pool…now I know what it feels like to have someone you love drown.
VOTERS: we want to give a boat a ridiculous name
UK: no
VOTERS: we want to break up the EU and trash the world economy
UK: fine
I bet Adam and Eve loved being the first people cuz they didn’t have to worry about ghosts
One day I’m gonna go to work without my glasses and they’re gonna be like, “Who’s that hottie?” and I’m gonna be like, “WHO IS SAYING THAT?”
“I like to think I trained the toilet. It didn’t teach me anything”
I bought a new scale today.
Can’t wait to get home and throw it out the window.
It’s not a coincidence that we use the term “committed” to refer to both relationships and a stay at a mental institution
I prefer the term busy professional, thank you.
A shout out to all those who remember the keys of the house only after shutting the door.
This is the goat we had on our business update meeting last week 👀
Wild falcons live to be about 13, so all the falcons in the wild today were born in the 21st century.
They’re millennial falcons.
[Husband’s Exorcism]
Priest: What is your name?
Demon: Jim
Wife: Jim who owes us $100 or hot Jim?
Demon: Nice legs Carol
Wife: Let’s keep him. Next…
Love is always patient and kind.
Put your family down and pay attention to your phone.
I draw tombstones in sand at the beach beside couples who draw hearts and shit.
We don’t need people like that in this world.
Its like grandma said,
You’re not crazy when you sleep
A truck loaded with Vicks VapoRub overturned on the interstate. Police report there is no congestion in the area.
If couples who are in love are called love birds, then really, couples who always fight should be called angry birds!