Not today, today.
Not today.
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Had a breakthrough with my therapist yesterday.
Never seen a man cry like that before.
I’m going to say sky diving is probably not for me since I just screamed when the toilet seat shifted.
“Now I am become Death, the destroyer of worlds.”
– Twitter IT engineer that pressed the button for the 280 character limit update
Son: Smell me. Do you think I should shower?
Me: Yes.
Son: But you didn’t smell me.
Me: Yes.
Yes!
Great!
Bravo!
Hurrah!
Yippee!
Cheers!
Hooray!
Rah Rah!
Woo Hoo!
Whoopee!
Awesome!– Excerpt from “Fifty Shades of Yay!”
I am NOT a grammar Nazi!
I’m alt-write.
I’m not helping to save the environment until bears let me ride them around like cars. It’s a group effort, bears.
My ex is having a baby. Ummmm obsessed with me much? I used to be a baby…
You ever eat fish and chips at the aquarium and get the feeling you’re being watched?
Well, look who I ran into at the liquor store. First I thought he was shopping so didn’t wanna bother him, but then I saw the shirt and thought “wait a minute, he works here?!”
Turns out, he’s the owner. A quiet life away from the glitz & glam. May we all learn a thing or two 🙌
3-year-old: Where do people go when they die?
Me: Heaven.
3: I don’t want to go there.
Me: Why not?
3: It’s full of dead people.
She died doing what she loved: Running for her life in the wrong direction.
I wasn’t agreeing, I was nodding off.
(pretending to be well-read to impress a girl)
War and Peace? Yeah I loved that one
“What was your favorite part?”
I’d have to say the Peace
[Watching my husband gag having difficulty swallowing an omega-3 fish oil soft gel]
Me: Well, well, well Mr. “you can take it all, baby” it aint so easy is it?
There are so many different genres of music nowadays, but most of it could be filed under “Ear Shit”
Her: I always knew I was going to be a mummy. I feel like I’ve been preparing for this my whole life. Is that the same for you?
Me: Well, I gained the baby weight preemptively if that counts?
Dear kangaroos, what’s stopping you from looking like this?
the small neighbor human. stopped by the house after school. i guess they hate a thing called math. and really needed to tell someone. as long as they don’t stop petting me. i am a fabulous listener
WIFE: would you chop these onions for me
ME: sure
WIFE: I meant with a knife
ME (tightening the belt on my karate robe): aww man
*tucks napkin into my shirt*
This meal could get messy.
I need an Amazddy. It’s like a sugar daddy, but they randomly pay for the stuff in your Amazon cart.
Dude’s trunk just popped open in front of me on the expressway ramp. I instinctively looked to see if any of you were in there.
ADAM: [rummaging through a pile of leaves] EVE, HAVE YOU SEEN MY WORK CLOTHES, HONEY?
I have to find the recorder the school sent home last year, or something terrible will happen. The school will send home another recorder.
Every time a bell rings an angel gets its wings. It’s always the same angel. It’s covered in wings now and wants to die but can’t
Day 1: Buys $8.00
organic raspberries.Day 2: Moldy.
Repeat weekly.
doctor it hurts when i do this *checks bank account*
wife: “no”
me: “its a good name”
wife: “keith we’re not calling the dog sarah jessica barker, keep thinking”
me:
wife:
me: “woofie goldberg”