Just told my son to “wipe that smile off your face” and I swear I heard my dad laughing from 3,000 miles away
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Turns out, people will turn around and walk the other way if you hiss like a cat when they approach you.
Should my wife be taking this long to finish the corn maze she entered on Halloween?
Dad: I’m so hungry.
Me: Hi, so hungry I’m son!
*Dad turns head very slowly*
[camera cuts to Dad patting down pile of dirt with shovel]
The fake cough I use when calling in sick is now available on iTunes.
I love a “hell yeah” moment right before it turns into a “well shit” situation.
ME: wow nice costume
COP: step out of the car sir
Love how Google seems to know everything I’m doing before I even think about it, but Google Maps needs me to completely type out an address before it knows I’m not looking for driving directions from the US to India.
me wanting to be loved vs. the mortifying ordeal of being known
Boss: We need you to go undercover
Me: No problem I’m great at keeping secrets like when I peed my pants on my first day here
Boss: Today’s your first day
My boss: If you say “that would make a great band name” one more time I have to fire you.
Me, looking at a box that says “Hand Soap Refill”: It has been a pleasure working with you
“What’s for dinner?”
Updog & chips.
“Does updog have gluten in it?”
No..wait..you’re supposed to say…
“You know I can’t have gluten Karen”
what do you mean i didn’t reach out i literally thought about you
Thanks, Word-Of-The-Day, I’m already familiar with “plateau.”
The coolest thing about dating Mystique from the X-men is the unlimited free food samples she can get for you at Costco
Whoever created lasagna was totally a stoner
I want noodles
Okay
Now sauce
Cool
Now cheese
Got it
Now noodles
You said that
Now cheese
WTF!
I have a lot of opinions for someone who is never completely sure of today’s date
No thanks Black Friday crowds.
I do all my Christmas shopping online in a blind panic, as God intended.
I am not gullible. I am just easily tricked- which someone told me is different.
[special ops briefing]
Leader: We’re going in deep & hard in the middle of the night
Me: I bet you say that to all the boys
L: Get out
[inventing the saxophone] what if you could use a bong to play jazz
*Puts arm band, white tank top, and fake moustache on cat*
There ya go, Freddie Purr-cury.
Dogs are man’s best friend because a dog would never blindside you with an eleven person group text.
Some girls look like they’ve barely broken a sweat after hot yoga while I look like a tomato that’s been doused by a fire hose.
Babies look like old men. I told my newborn niece she was my sweet schmoopie angel and she told me to get off her lawn.
Sometimes I rock it as a parent, other times I drop my phone on my sleeping child’s face while taking a picture of them. It’s called balance.
friend: you watch anything good lately?
me: yeah a documentary about this serial killer that lured children into his house and killed them in elaborate ways
friend: who
me: William Wonka
How do you explain this gap in your resume?
“I was in jail.”
Okay. Sure you weren’t working for Trump’s campaign?
“Swear to God. Jail.”
*job interview*
Boss: Give an example of when you’ve done something creative
Me: When I listed my ‘experience’ on the application form
There’s a mom at the school pickup with a shirt that says “I don’t always whoomp, but when I do, there it is.” I think I love her
The ketchup bottle always teaches you new ways it can destroy your shirt.