Coworker: Can you keep a secret?
Me: Nope.
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Wife: I want a divorce.
Me: [into drive-thru intercom] One divorce please.
Kids whispering in other room: “Hey do you dare me to…”
Me: NO!
Did your date order honey for dinner? Did your date eat the waiter when he brought the honey? Is your date a bear? You are dating a bear.
90% of parenting is making tiny portions of snacks look big and big portions of vegetables look tiny.
It’s all fun and games until someone from real life recognizes you and you realize you’re too small to drag off the body.
I put my height in my tinder bio and 6 men unmatched with me…..i’m gonna break into y’alls houses and put all the remotes on top of the fridge
Principal: Your son is a gamer
[Parents are visibly shaken]
Principal: Oops, wrong kid. Actually yours is on drugs.
Parents: OH THANK GOD
My wife gave me a hairband for my messy hair, and since morning twice I’ve tried to bring it down thinking they’re my reading glasses
for dessert we’re having a discussion about why my girlfriend didn’t laugh at a joke i made 3 years ago
My Fitbit thanked me for not making him work nearly as hard as the other Fitbits.
“Don’t you dare. Don’t you lick it. Don’t! Do not lick the butter,” I yell threateningly at the cat.
WIFE: Why is the zoo calling us about a missing coyote?
ME: [bleeding profusely] So… not a dog
The fastest land mammal is a toddler who’s been asked what’s in their mouth.
The keys to a successful marriage include separate bank accounts, separate bathrooms, and separate Netflix profiles
Can’t, I’m in big trouble with the wife. I invited a couple to a party that she’s planning without telling her.
If you love somebody, let them go. If they’re smart, they’ll keep going.
Me: I want a serious long term relationship
Literally anyone: Hey I’m interested in you!
Me: *shivers* better hide in bed for 6 months.
ME [proudly]: I threw a penny in and made a wish
CORONER [reopening the chest cavity]: ugh we talked about this
Romance isn’t dead it’s just playing happily on a farm up north.
Repair guy: your AC unit is 26 years old which makes it hard to stay cool
Me: well I’m 42 and I’m still cool
Repair guy:
Me: *winks*
How wrong was this guy?
The stages of giving my dog a new stuffy:
1) oh my god for me?!
2) this is the best day ever
3) this house is full of thieves trust no one
[showing date a picture] that’s me and my brother at summer camp [showing a pic of me holding a big fish] and that’s us after his accident
I really relate to the people in commercials who “didn’t know that.”
ME: mom we’re out of eggs again!
MOM: it’s ok, there’s cereal
[later]
ME: *throwing cheerios at the mean neighbor’s house* this sucks
Cops hauled me away for drawing faces on potatoes and makin’ em kiss.
“It’s just too sexy” one cop whispered to me on our way to the jail
My dog’s dinner: pork tenderloin, quinoa, and kale
My dinner: 12-15 mini chocolate donuts
[First Date]
Me: so can I see you again?
Her: I had a nice time but I don’t think so
Me: *stops holding in stomach*
A ghost appears in the room. It wants to tell me something, but won’t speak. It throws up it’s hands, as if trapped in another world.
Yeah, great. Just my luck I get haunted by a phantomime.
Kidnapper: We have your wife.
Me: You sonofa-it was HER turn to cook dinner for the kids tonight!