Me: What’s for dinner?
Her: Chinese.
Me: I will make the Duck Sauce.
*catches duck
*fires up juicer
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When someone says “No Biggie”, I reply with “not since ‘97” and immediately break down crying
buy a fitted sheet one size bigger than your mattress and start living your life
KID: what do geese do at night
PARENT: good question
GOOSE(in a surveillance van): [spits out coffee] dammit we’re running out of time
Coworker: can I talk to you about your Twitter
Me, hand on the fire alarm:
Coworker: I think you’re funny
Me, removing hand from fire alarm: yes
[PetSmart]
Why pay $30 for a bird when I can pay $10 & grow like 1000 of them?
*throws bag of bird seed in cart*
I’m such a smart shopper.
Black Friday is the Christian holiday where Jesus rose from the grave at 4am to get in line to purchase a discounted HDTV for his Father.
*swallows pride*
*gets aggressively escorted from the zoo*
If you’re not happy single you won’t be happy married. Happiness comes from eating potatoes, not from relationships.
Unsolicited sandwich pics.
I’m like Jason Bourne, only I’m not looking for exits in each room.. I’m looking for outlets & phone chargers.
It’s interesting growing up and learning that most adults are not smart. I had my suspicions as a kid but I didn’t think the situation was this dire.
Men: “once you get married you never get any sex”.
[wife walks around the house completely naked]
Every man: *continues to be completely hypnotized by whatever sports game is on*
You drink WAY too much, and you have questionable morals . . .
me talking to myself in the mirror before going out at night .
Spotted the tiniest of cows perched on a fence post today.
Sometimes it’s fun to walk out of the ladies room licking your fingers.
Fertility group: We need some brochures about some really serious topics.
Graphic designer who is a birder on the weekend: You got it, chief.
I used to hate flying. I thought the plane would go down. But now I just bring my wife with me on the plane because my wife never goes down.
everyone telling you that you’re beautiful on the Internet is an escaped convict.
Named my band Scheduled for Demolition so whenever it appears on a marquee, confused people write angry letters to the city council.
[frisky in the bedroom]
Me: yeah, hurt me 😏
Her: Parks & Rec is better than The Office!
Me: don’t 🙏🏼 judge 💜 other 🌈 people 💕 be kind ✌🏼😇
Also me: anyone who likes the new Taylor Swift song has a rotten brain parasite
I ate a shepherd’s pie for lunch. He was pretty upset about it.
They think they may have found Amelia Earhart’s plane. Gosh, I hope she’s alright.
He wants my carcasses apparently.
I think autocorrect won that round.
*incoming text*
“hey bud can I crash at ur place”
Sure come on over
*sound of approaching airplane*
Letters from overnight camp be like:
-I am having the best time
-I hate camp I want to come home
-I never want to leave ever
-Please come get me
-Can I extend
Always remember the first move in every fight…punch to the balls.
doctor it hurts when i do this *checks bank account*
Jill on Facebook is trying to find a way to get cat diarrhea out of suede boots and I don’t think I’m hungry for lunch anymore. .
Mom: I called you bc I was watching a TV show & thought of you!
Me: Ya? What show?
My Mom (laughing): A show about Aliens!Very funny Mom!