Question of the day :
If the early bird gets the worm, why do good things come to those who wait?
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While America is suffering administrative paralysis, we should sneak in and change their spellings to the English ones, and replace the missing ‘u’ in their words.
Turned on the telly and there’s all the Kings horses and all the Kings men, so I assume they’re on their way to some egg related emergency.
Words I say when I sing along to Informer by Snow:
Informer
gift cards are like i want you to buy what you want but from where i want
Scar didn’t murder Mufasa. It’s a cat’s natural instinct to knock things off ledges
Has anyone seen my jacket? It’s white with sleeves that make you hug yourself and a cute belt.
For Earth Day, turn on your air conditioner and open your doors and windows. If we all work together, we can totally cool this planet.
Doing math together is known as fourplay.
When Papa Roach sang “This is my last resort” he was on a disappointing vacation, and he’s avoided resorts ever since.
friend: where have you been all day
me: hunting shapeshifters
friend: maybe it’s time to turn in
me: [narrows eyes] turn into what
*eats hotdog like an ear of corn to avoid giving you mixed signals*
Received a DM from a dude who claimed that he knows me in real life.
I can’t guess out who he is, probably I have to kill my friends until I get him.
[On the couch watching TV]
Husband: *Doesn’t move for 90 minutes*
Me: *Gets up to pee*
Husband: Can you get me some chips and a drink and some lip balm and that charger and that remote and that blanket over there?
Sometimes I rock it as a parent, other times I drop my phone on my sleeping child’s face while taking a picture of them. It’s called balance
[Job Interview]
Me: I promise to be dedicated to every day, reliable when depended on, and steadfastly devoted always. Nothing means more to me.
Job interviewer: Are you reading a love letter?
My wife has just come home and asked how things went with the baby. Now in mild panic mode as I thought she took the baby along with her
A family friend recently died, and it got me thinking. Today I’m going to collect all the money people owe me before it’s too late.
“Spring is in the air” I proclaim as I hurl a Slinky at your head.
You’re a vegetarian who eats fish? I guess that makes sense since bears are basically vegetarians.
son: can I ask you a random question?
me: brother, what do you think we’ve been doing the last seven years?
“THEY’RE PROBABLY MORE AFRAID OF YOU THAN YOU ARE OF THEM,” I shout, as a swarm of murder hornets attacks my friend Jeff
13: Dad, do you believe in miracles?
Me: Do you remember spray painting my car?
13: yeah
M: Are you breathing?
13: yeah
M: Well, there ya go
To any ex-military that live on my street I apologize for whatever messages we may be sending, 2yo has discovered light switches
James Woods is suing someone for $10,000,000 because they said he’s a coke addict. When asked why so much, Woods replied “Coke’s expensive.”
Between Man of Steel, This Is The End, and Pacific Rim, I’ve seen around 5 billion people die this summer. A personal best.
My 2020 gratitude journal is written entirely in profanity.
My neighbor shouldn’t put up a fake graveyard for Halloween if she doesn’t want me getting drunk and performing Thriller every night at 2AM.
Waiter: Here is your salmon.
Me: I didn’t order this
Waiter: it’s from the gentleman at the bar
*I look over at the bar and a grizzly bear winks and lifts his glass*
Y’all say redheads eat souls like it’s a bad thing, but I’m telling you, this diet is really going to pay off come swimsuit season.
Ancient Greek mathematician Archimedes is known as the Father of Math, or as I like to call him, Math Daddy.