While I appreciate that you’re bringing sexy back, if we’re not also discussing who took sexy away, we’re only enabling future sexy problems
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Rights to name a newly discovered dinosaur will soon go up for auction. I can’t be the only one concerned about this poor thing that’s stayed hidden for millions of years getting named after a rapper.
Uncle Frank’s will stipulates he be cremated & his ashes added to the vegetable water sprayers at the local grocery store.
He will be mist.
I never let people borrow my shoes, because if they walk a mile in them they’ll know how much I exaggerate my problems.
8: Dad you’re not spending time with me just cuz you’re getting material for Twitter, right?
Twitter Dad: No I love you, Pete.
Mike:
Found out today my ex girlfriend married a successful businessman. I’m probably better off without her, seems like she has ambition and standards
When she jokingly asks “You’re not a serial killer, are you?”
It is NOT okay to jokingly say, “Well, you’d be my first!” in response.
just discovered the true meaning of family and it turns out to be noun, a group of people related to each other by blood or marriage 😭😭
My wife is leaving me because of my obsession with ‘Star Wars’.
I said: May divorce be with you…
[school teacher job interview]
Can I ask you some questions?
I don’t know CAN you?
haha impressive [stands] welcome aboard!
DOCTOR STRANGE: We are on the event horizon of the future being sucked into the past. The reversal of all we know will be the end of all
DOCTOR NORMAL: I’m not sure strep throat is THAT bad
*a town in which the production of little marshmallow treats has been banned*
mayor: i don’t want another peep out of any of you
Me: Do you have homework?
11: Do you know that the world is 23.3 trillion dollars in debt?
waiter: what would you like for breakfast?
me: toast
waiter: that’s weird but ok
[taps glass with fork]
waiter: i only just met this man but i can already tell he is a great guy, here is to new friends. [raises glass] to friends
got an email from my bank saying “is your 401k enough to retire on” and it’s like you are my bank you know it is not
When people see ghosts, why aren’t they naked? Do clothes die and become ghosts too?
welcome to your 40s, the first song you ever made out to is being used to promote mutual funds
DETROIT: im doing a secret show at 8pm tonigt at a small club dowmtown! mesage me for details!!!
ME: omg a talkimg city
This happened in my sink by accident and it looks like I’m trying to cast a spell to summon soup
Sorry your team lost. Maybe you should’ve told the players what to do more loudly from your recliner.
People only want to do drugs named after women: Mary Jane, Molly, Lucy (in the Sky with Diamonds). No one wants to snort some Craig.
doctor: describe your morning routine
me: denial, anger, bargaining, depression, and acceptance
doctor: I said m-o-r-n-i-n-g
me: I know how it’s spelled
JOHN LENNON: He wear no shoeshine, he got…toe-jam football, he got…monkey finger, he shoot…Coca-Cola
POLICE SKETCH ARTIST: what
Customer: do you sell {item}?
Coworker: oh, yeah but I’m just having a hard time getting it in
Me: *resisting the urge to go nudge, nudge, wink, wink, eh?, phrasing boom, that’s what she said*
Maybe there’s no sunshine when he’s gone, but at least I don’t have to fight over the remote.
I guess my package was delivered by Disney animals
Marriage Tip: If your wife goes silent in the middle of an argument, you probably shouldn’t ask if you can go back to mowing lawn.
SUBWAY EMPLOYEE: would you like your receipt?
ME: no thank you i don’t want any proof that i’ve eaten here
I don’t know who needs to hear this but that curb never did anything to you
I had a dream that I was fighting Jason Bourne, Will Hunting and Tom Ripley.
After months of therapy I’m finally battling my Damons.
I turned off the TV today and made my kids play board games like it was 1955 and now I know why all of our grandparents were alcoholics