[first day at pet store]
me: you want this boxed?
her: you can’t box a goldfish
me: [lacing up gloves] watch me
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cop: “sir im afraid your dog is too cool for this neighbourhood”
me: [turns his little baseball cap round right way]
cop: “ok that’s better”
hot singles are in your area, merging together into a plurality, a hot leviathan. the time for chat is over. this is not your area anymore
What if the Bad News Bears literally gave you bad news?
Bear 1: You’re adopted
Bear 2: The cancer is terminal
Bear 3: This tweet ain’t funny
passport control: you don’t look anything like your picture
incredible hulk: THE FLIGHT WAS DELAYED
4yo: You’re a good dad.
Me: Thanks.
4yo: You’d be better if you said yes more.
Me: Okay.
4yo: Can I have ice cream? Think about what I said.
Disappointed it’s raining this weekend
Was totally going to do that job I’ve been putting off for 6 months
“French town to register all local dogs’ DNA to cut mess left on streets. Database will find wrongdoers & fine them.” No fines yet but so far six Poodles have found out they are half Borzoi, two Corgis found their birth mothers, and a Maltese is suing a Pug for child support.
I can’t stop watching this video 😂😂😂
WIFE: don’t be weird at the party tonight
ME: am i ever weird?
[dinner party]
CHERYL: how’s the soup taste?
ME: like the blood of my enemies
a one man band getting kicked out of a zumba class
Wore my clip-on, flip-up sunglasses in my dating profile pic, because women don’t easily forget something like that.
[on a date]
Her: *sneezes*
Me: God-
Her: *sneezes* Thank you
Me: -dammit, what’s taking the food so long?
It should be: “COVID-19 declared a pandemic by WHOM.”
Why do they call it shopping for new countertops and not taking me for granite send tweet
Dispatch: 911 what’s your emergency
Me: I’m being held prisoner
Dispatch: Do they have weapons?
Me: Just nerf guns and toy swords
Dispatch: Umm ok
Me: They won’t stop eating my snacks
Dispatch: Ma’am, is it your children
Me: …….Maybe.
Dispatch: 5th one today
“I can’t believe putting bears in charge of the hospital administration system didn’t work out. They just kept eating all the patients!”
“Maybe we should let the bears choose the doctors?”
“And run the hospital cafeteria!”
“More bear involvement is obviously the answer!”
it was love at first sight
I will no longer be calling coffee my addiction because it sounds unhealthy.
ME: “My time machine works! I just killed Bobby Hitler!”
FRIEND: “You mean baby Hitler?”
ME:
FRIEND:
ME:”I’ll be right back.”
Anyone know a Minecraft interpreter? I don’t understand my son’s Christmas list.
I wrote a movie about Edward Scissorhands serving a court summons to Dwayne Johnson.
It’s titled “Rock Papered by Scissors”
Every once in a while in a bag of peanut m&m’s you get that one roundboi that has no peanut and it’s just a thicc m&m and that’s the m&m i’d like to be if I were an m&m
No I don’t want your man. I’m not even sure why you want your man.
She said she wanted to try spouse swapping. Next thing I know she’s trading me for a toaster.
[Getting back into van after museum heist]
Me: Hey guys did you know that Neanderthals buried their dead?
Me: gentleman of this truck stop bathroom, please boo that kid for not washing his hands
All: BOOOO!
kid: I am telling mom
I hate everyone in front of me in this traffic jam, everyone behind me is cool.
Seriously, if I were a manager at Burger King, my answer to every complaint would be, “You’re at Burger King.”
I didn’t even know Canada existed until Twitter.