😂😂😂
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I like my coffee like I like my men
Sliding off the roof of my car as I drive away
He told me I was too pretty not to smile.
So I flipped him off, tackled him and shoved my middle finger up his nose.
Now I’m smiling.
Superman’s first day at the daily planet.
Boss: Since you’re new, you might need supervision.
Clark: I have that, superhearing too.
ok i’ve proved i’m not a robot now you prove you’re not a human
I pulled my Power Washer out not because anything really needed cleaning but because you may as well have some fun while your quarantined. Related, my neighbor is soaked.
[Seahawks locker room]
Coach: okay if we want to win we will need to have a bigger number for the score!
Wilson: well put! Well put!
Damn girl, are you astrophysics? Because I don’t know enough about you to finish this joke.
For valentine’s day, I’m taking my wife to see “50 Shades”.
How long is the movie? I need to know what time to pick her up.
Forever Alone Barbie: Comes with 20 cats, and a Twitter account. Alcoholism and debilitating depression not included.
to the people who follow me but don’t like anything I post. I see you, I hear you, I am you 🫶
Me: Well, that’s enough for one day.
Husband: But you just woke up.
Me: Exactly.
If anyone needs like five things 25% done and no things 100% done, just let me know.
Anyone mad about favstar shutting down can mail me $30, and I’ll tell your friend you like their tweet.
Apparently, “I understand why some animals eat their young,” is not a socially acceptable answer when someone asks you how you’re doing. Whatever.
if you think the last 12 months dragged on, just think how your dog feels. he’s probably sick of having you home for the 7 years
If a tiger attacks your mother-in-law and your wife at the same time, whom would u save?
Man : Off course, the tiger.. very few are left
If we’re together and you lose track of me, just follow the line of croissant crumbs right on back.
And you may be thinking, “But Katie, you weren’t even eating a croissant when I lost you…”
Trust me.
Monster under the bed: Look, I was going to scare you but this is sad. You’ve been in bed for 15 hours.
Me: I’ll go to the restroom after the next episode is over.
Monster: You said that last episode, I just want to go see my kids.
Every photo I’m tagged in
I get it grandma. I’m not sure what to do on Facebook either.
I’m that asshole that holds the door open for you when you’re 50 feet away. You know, so you have to run a little.
Thanks to the vaccine, I can now get in a car and argue with relatives in person.
are those elderberries?
[camera pans over to reveal a bunch of berries struggling to use the internet]
I do my best parenting lying down (allowing my kids to sleep in the bed with me so they don’t come in and wake me up at 5 am)
Me: I was watching Sixth Sense when my house got burgled
Cop: Ok tell me everything that happened
[10 mins later]
Cop: holy shit he was dead the whole time?!
Another beautiful day to waste the utopian potential of social media on social media.
In Hell, you enter email addresses & passwords using video game controllers for ever.
[grabs mic at wedding]
yooo I got u guys a kitchenaid mixer and u will never use it
If you’re happy and you know it, clap your hands. There’s nothing more endearing than happy people applauding themselves.
Me on all social media accounts after taking one good picture