This house is Not going to clean itself. Apparently, I’m not either.
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If I’m facing away from you during sex, assume I’m quietly enjoying a snack.
Still the funniest sequence of tweets I have ever seen
[bedtime]
Me: What’s in vegetable oil?
Daughter: Vegetables
M: And olive oil?
D: Olives
M: And baby oil?
D:
*I turn out the lights and leave
My neighborhood barber just got arrested for selling drugs…
I’ve been his customer for 6 years.
I had no idea he was a barber.
I’m not flirting with disaster, we’re eloping.
Them: oh I was just talking about you!
Me, jokingly: nothing bad I hope? Ha ha
Them:
Me: oh
Share your cheese puns. Only the Gouda stuff, not de Brie.
yeah i have a drinking problem. it’s called dehydration
I don’t forgive or forget. I make voodoo dolls.
We met for coffee yada yada yada next thing I know we’re in the back of my car covered in lobsters and her dog is driving us to the ER
Maybe the aliens read our tweets and that’s why they probe us anally because they think that’s where our brains are?
“Linda Hamilton has already saved the world three times. Let the poor woman rest, people.”
-my husband, watching the trailer for the new Terminator movie
Me: you’re like heroin.
Her: Why? Because you’re addicted to me?
Me: No, because you’re ruining my life.
Talk to me when you have a shirt & tie that didn’t come in the same box.*
*Grave robbers exempt.
beauty:
beast:
beauty: *sips tea*
beast: *sips tea*
beauty:
beast:
beauty: was this inside mrs. potts—
beast: you know I’ve been too scared to ask
If ur a guy riding on a motorcycle with another guy, it’s best to sit facing each other. 1 man mounted behind another that just looks bad
Religious rituals and prayers sound really creepy when you replace “Jesus” with “Jeff”
Friend: Onamatopoeias make me violent.
Me: Gulp.
You know,this recliner and I go WAY back.
Boss: Someone’s been cutting corners.
Me: Hey, that’s unfair.
Edward Scissorhands: (acting nonchalant) Yeah, I noticed that, too.
[at funeral] You really had to see him live
sorry vacation place with the underwater tunnels, i’ve seen jaws 3.
The scene in Rocky where he breaks open raw eggs and drinks them but me breaking open Cadbury eggs into a glass of chocolate milk.
Bailiff: Do you swear to tell the whole truth, so help you God?
Me: Yes, unless she asks me if she looks fat.
Before pulled pork, pork just used to stand on the edge of the dance-floor, nodding to the music and looking cool.
my last few brain cells clinging on for dear life
Me: shouldn’t ocean now be spelled oCean?
Climatologist: that’s not what rising sea level means
airline clerk: your bag is over 50 pounds so that’ll be an extra $25
me: yes, of course *checks high school physics notes* money reduces the impact of gravity on mass
Really enjoyed rearranging my onions into a different position this morning for half an hour. Huge day for us.
Recipe sites be like: Here’s a recipe, but first let me recite my family history back to 1578, tell you about my silly lil’ DUI I got in college, show you 57 pictures of my dog, and complain about my no-good spouse who is cheating with the landlord