*pulls United States of America cartridge out of the Nintendo and blows on it*
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Mum always told me to wear clean underwear in case I got run over by a bus. I can now tell you from experience that if you do get hit by a bus, your underwear won’t remain clean.
*Makes a meal plan for the week*
*Eats sandwiches every day instead because nobody tells me what to do*
How am I supposed to sleep now that I’ve realized 125 people have watched a video of me drunkenly making nachos?
…. And they didn’t even like it.
18yo is deliberately putting the cutlery in the wrong places in the drawer when he puts them away. So I’ve put some of his game discs in the wrong boxes. Let’s see who’s head explodes first.
Don’t let anyone tell you that The Godfather isn’t an extremely effective parenting manual.
God: this animal is called a woodchuck
Angel: because it can ch-
God: lmao no
My son wasn’t listening so I said his attitude was super cringe and he looked up at me in horror and look at that he heard me.
Interviewer: “Describe a time when you broke the rules.”
Me [from my wheelchair]: “I was at a restaurant and the waiter asked me to wait to be seated.”
Password insecurity questions:
1. What was your highschool nickname? 2. How would you describe your breath? 3. What’s wrong with your toes?
Little known fact:
Centipede’s are the Metric version of Inchworms.
Her: I wish you would surprise me sometimes.
Me: *shedding my human skin to reveal I am actually Nergal, Mesopotamian God of death*
Her: No, not like that.
You better watch out
The worst part about being a grown man is no one will give you piggyback rides.
It’s cute how my family thinks I’m playing with fire and I’m just trying to cook them breakfast
I can’t stop laughing 🤣
3: Mommy, I love you. You’re the best mommy in the world. I wish I had a mom just like you.
Me:
If someone asked me to describe myself in one word, I’d say, “nope.”
I can’t lose weight, that’s where all my fattitude is
Starting a diet is a lot like starting a lawn mower, you struggle and sweat and end up on the couch eating ice cream with your shirt off.
A chain lock on a door is just there to annoy the person who is breaking in to kill you, right?
FRIEND: Hey can I see your tattoo of a bat?
ME: My what?
FRIEND: Your tattoo.
ME: ?
FRIEND: *Sigh* Your battoo.
ME: Of course!
My friend is a meteorologist so when he wants to hang out I tell him there’s a 100% chance I’ll be there and then I don’t show up.
Inflatable mattresses are great if you like your bed to slowly eat you.
Nobody:
4-year-old: Can I call people peasants at school?
4: okay, I will be Mario and you will be the goomba–
Husband: NO, no, you’re not jumping on my head.
4: *sigh* kay…
the beatles: all you need is love
haddaway: I have a question
dentist: so, are you flossing?
me: are you using a unique password for every account?
My son had a side hustle of selling King’s Hawaiian slider sandwiches to his dorm mates. And you know kids these days and cash. We were seeing these $3 Venmos going in the account around midnight many weeknights. I had to finally just ask him and then I offered to partner up.
My wife never catches me scoping out the hot chick because she’s too busy judging the hot chick.
If you ever get locked out of your house, talk calmly to the lock.
We all know that communication is the key.