It is easier to pass a camel through the eye of a needle than it is to convince somebody online that they are wrong.
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For this recipe gently massage the bird like you’re thinking of ending things but want to stay friends.
[Heaven]
Me: What happened?
God: You were sending a DM & got hit by a bus.
Me: I only have one ques-
God: Sorry, man. She was totes a dude.
[the first ever boomerang]
HIM: Get rid of it
ME [scared] I can’t
Who the hell is responsible for the abbreviation of “pounds?”
I wish I could find a job where I got paid as a “breadwinner,” but alas, good things come to those who cake.
Han: *approaches Endor in a shuttle*
Imperial officer: What’s the password?
Han: It’s “password.”
Vader: We should really change that.
Not sure what a Shakira coochie board is but white people really like it
Fact: you spend an average of 3.7 hrs of your life in the pantry looking for the ‘damn’ paprika
When I was your age we didn’t have edible underwear, we just ate normal underwear
Kinda gross IMO, but I guess everyone needs a hobby.
[Burgler walking around our house] Have…have I been here already tonight?
I watched her squeeze into the booth, finish 3 Egg McMuffins, & stand-up.
“My knees are killing me, it must be the cold weather,” she said.
ok kids, this is a smoke detector, if you hear it beeping change the battery, if it’s still beeping, check to see if ur on fire
If you balance your medication correctly you can blank out an entire morning meeting.
What happens in the elevator stays in the elevator.
Quest givers are like: “That’s close enough, Stranger. One more step and you’re scagg meat. Why don’t you turn around and start walkin’? Or you could help me with a deeply personal problem.”
Judge: plz tell the court what happened
Victim: he attacked me with this! [holds up pasta strainer]
Judge: that doesn’t hold any water
People keep asking Me why I created mosquitoes. To bite you repeatedly and give you malaria, that’s why.
“hey what’s that sqiggly thing on the ground?”
“i don’t know, it looks kinda like a w or m”— how the worm got its name
Netflix and we’ll have to call my ex to get the password.
one thing the entire animal kingdom has in common is the face we make when our kid won’t shut up
you want me to trust my instincts. the thing that convinced me to dye my hair black that one time
Our brain took two billion years to evolve. Two billion trips around the Sun. All so humans can use it to look at kittens on the Internet.
My dentist recommended I sleep with a mouth guard, but I’m skeptical insurance even covers who I sleep with.
Me: Our house is always so messy! What can we do?
Husband: I’m inclined to ask the kids to leave
Wife: Ooh, did you already brush your teeth?!
Me, hiding my 7th Mint Julep: Yesh.
I got 66 problems and being upside down is 1
No
one
yums like Gaston
Eats iced plums like Gaston
Knows you saved them but craves them, succumbs like Gaston
There’s a sign in this bathroom that asks us not to flush anything but toilet paper down the toilet & now I’m unsure how to proceed.
Cop: Hey U!
U: who, me?
Cop: no the other 1!
1: who, me?
Cop: both of U!
W: who, us?
Cop: Yes you!
U: Who, me?
Cop: No!
No: yes?