My son’s default mode is “protester being dragged out of a political rally.”
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If the band Toto, drummer Tommy Lee & singer Marvin Gaye ever got together and made an album…
…I’m pretty it would be Toto Lee Gaye.
Kid at my door: Trick or treat
Me: (holding warm gravy boat) just on the candy corn or all over?
Im gonna tell my daughter to lay off the liquor, cause I love her! (…and I dont want her to mess up her kidneys before I need one)
[first date]
Him: See? Juggling on a unicycle is easy.Her: You’ve lost a lot of blood.
Him: I’m fine. Throw in another chainsaw.
Her: While you’re just laying there?
My wife said: Pls go to shop & buy a carton of Milk & if they have eggs, get six. I came back with Six cartons of Milk & told they had eggs.
Netflix plants your dna at various crime scenes while you are asleep.
8-year-old oversleeping in 1910: oh beans da boss at the poison factory is sure gonna be steamed at me
Waiter: may I offer you a cocktail?
Me: yes. Molotov, please.
me: hey big boy
friend: please don’t talk to the Lincoln memorial like that
I hate when I drop my chili cheese dog in my car and then I have to eat my whole car.
We chose to adopt a highway.
[clutches my wife’s hand]
We couldn’t make a highway of our own, you see.
*Looks out the window to see it raining fire and brimstone* “Oh man my car windows are down!”
4 year old: Daddy do you have any bat cheese?
Me: Bat cheese?
4: Yes
Me: Bat. Cheese?
4: Yes. Bat cheese.
Me: Why are you asking for… bat cheese?
4: For my car
Me:
4:
Me: Ahhhh batteries. You need batteries!
4: Yes bat cheese! 🙄
Dr Rorschach: *sigh* and this one?
Dr Freud: DID MY MOTHER KNOW YOU WERE TAKING THESE?
me: could you fill out an employee satisfaction survey about how well I performed today?
woman holding urn full of ashes:
Someone said I was racist because I misspelled pico de gallo. It’s like they don’t even know I misspell English words also…
Your Scooby Doo Villain Name is “old” plus your gender plus your last name.
Bruce Lee: be like water.
Me: wasted every day?
“…anyway, long story short” bro, you’ve been talking for 53 minutes
The 7 dwarfs of allergy season…
Sniffy, Sneezy, Stuffy, Wheezy, Runny, Itchy, and Dopey.
Me: Let’s try it have a nice weekend without any fighting, ok?
Hub: Agreed
Me: Wait, where are you going?
Hub: Fishing. See you Monday
date: what do you do for a living?
me: i make trojan horses
date: that’s not what i’d expect
me: yah that’s the idea
[first date]
HER: What are you doing with the Tupperware?
ME: [filling container] The sign says ‘All You Can Eat’, it doesn’t specify when
Me: I will never work for my boss again…
She: Why? What did he say to you??
Me: ‘You are Fired’
[marriage counseling]
She thinks I make bad decisions.
“He stole a penguin from the zoo.”
YOU SAID YOU WANTED A BUTLER, KAREN.
them: what’d you do on your day off
me: wake up earlier than necessary
Me: I’ve applied for Canadian citizenship
Him: You’ll be sorry
Me: I sure hope so
Birthday at 21: Takes 12 different shots from 12 different bars.
Birthday at 37: Takes two different pain relievers because I literally hurt myself sleeping.
Handsome Stranger: Excuse me, but you’re..
Me: Gorgeous & you’ve been mustering up the courage to speak to me?
HS: ..blocking the pickles.