[I show my phone to the taxidermied raccoon sitting on my apothecary shelf]
Can you believe this shit
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When my cat has an accident on the carpet, he hides to escape responsibility. It’s a, “shit and run”.
I’ll be providing your mandatory security training today. “Stop clicking things!”
You come to my house…on the day my daughter is to be married…and you ask me to do murder for money
Just had an email from a reader who is a vegetarian. Complaining about too much vegan food on menus. And asking for my sympathy and support. I intend to think very seriously about this issue.
My family made a pact that I’m the first to be sacrificed in a zombie apocalypse because I’ll slow them down. That’s my workout motivation.
3 just stopped what she was doing looked at the sky and said ‘something’s coming’ in case you thought you were going to sleep tonight
Don’t cook with kids if you don’t know how to season them.
I’ve started giving camouflage sweatshirts as parting gifts when I break up with people. “I don’t want to see you anymore,” I whisper.
I like it when it’s raining, because I can hold my umbrella really low and it makes everyone headless.
Who called it your monthly period and not egg drop soup?
COP: Do u know why I pulled u over?
ME: *looks at the penguin in my passenger seat* God damnit Ralph I told u to put ur seatbelt on.
Show me on this doll where the bad man gave you a skewed perspective of a female body
I still think my biggest regret is asking a girl out, and replying “me too” after she told me she had a boyfriend
Me: When I was lying in bed, I found this huge lump. I need it removed.
Doctor: Ma’am, that’s your husband.
Me: And your point is…?
I got my followers the old fashioned way – with tranquilizer darts.
My son gave me the ultimate Mother’s Day gift: he just brought out all of the cups & dishes from his room & filled the kitchen sink.
I’m so blessed.
Sitting here reminiscing about the 3 times I went to the gym in 2019.
When you say married… Do you mean married married… or just married?
excuse me why are *people* accepting medals for the equestrian events this is some bs
I don’t wear my apron because I’m never wearing clothes more expensive than the apron.
I was asked to distress some pine furniture, so I told a bookcase that I was going to convert it into firewood.
Me: hello I’ve run out of toilet paper
Front desk: oh I’m sorry for the inconvenience
Me: oh no worries, but I’ve also run out of towels
Ew, there is no way I’m touching that hand sanitizer dispenser.
I told my toddler grapes were choking hazards so now when she wants grapes she asks for “choking hazards” instead
“Bigotry”
-an Italian guy describing an oak
Cant believe they scheduled work at my 9-5 job the day after I decided to get drunk on a Wednesday I am appalled
I bet when Kanye was little he played tag by himself, then argued with himself on whether he was tagged or not.
I’m sitting here watching this married couple argue in this restaurant. Then their 8 year old says “oh great, dinner and a show.” Priceless.
My smart friend just told a story about Scott and Zelda Fitzgerald and I nodded the whole time, thinking to myself “Yes, I recognize both of those names.”
My husband just came back from shopping all frisky and I know it’s not me, it’s Home Depot