Usain Bolt doesn’t know shit bout speed compared to a parent putting their hand over their kids mouth when they see someone w/ an eye patch.
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I bet the best part of being in your 70s is you get to drive through buildings and people just say “oh he must’ve hit the gas instead of the brakes” and that’s it
When I’m inevitably murdered, my loved ones won’t say I always lit up a room, but instead “She kinda deserved it” and “I’m honestly surprised this didn’t happen sooner”
Find someone who will worry about you like the way my Amazon delivery guy does when I don’t order anything in more than two days
“We’ve been blessed with a second son, another prince”
“I hope he doesn’t grow to resent his older brother, Mufasa, who one day will be king”
“Let’s call him Scar”
jane austen understood that nothing is sexier than standing seven feet away from someone, making brief eye contact, and then going home
Dog kids: ughhh, homework for dinner again?
Dog mom: I had to wait outside his bedroom for three hours for him to fall asleep so I could steal this, you ungrateful little shits.
Possible Fact: If you suffer with freezing cold hands, you are contractually obliged to test their temperature by putting them on people.
Nothing refreshes my memory of what I need at the grocery store like coming home from the grocery store.
I stopped smoking cigarettes six years go.
I eat them now.
[raises eyebrow]
[watches eyebrow graduate]
[cries at eyebrow’s wedding]
“Hi-”
“I have a boyfriend.”
“Do y-”
“I have a boyfriend.”
“Excuse m-”
“I have a boyfriend.”
“I JUST WANNA KNOW WHERE THE BATHROOM IS.”
Me: [my mouth full] I didn’t know you guys did edible arrangements
Florist: we don’t
I wish I were this cool 😂
Me *writing*: she was like 12 slices of key lime pie in a dress- tart, cool, totally whipped.
Her: I can hear you.
Me: she could hear me
The final exam for police service dogs to remain calm in front of a cat, Germany, 1987.
Cat: if my calculations are correct, a meteor will destroy the Earth in 324 days…
[What I hear]
Cat: meow..
Me: awe, who wants a snuggle?
I see your baker’s dozen and raise you a mom’s dozen (11 because you ate one when the kids weren’t looking)
[4 hours later]
Tyler Durden: And the 351st rule of Fight Club is you absolutely CANNOT substitute baking powder with baking soda when making pancakes
WAITER: you can choose between 5 potato options and a salad
ME: [leaning in] the 5 potato options please
Everything I know about classical music I learned from Bugs Bunny cartoons.
The most productive species of beaver is the Eager.
Listening to classical music while in the bath makes me feel like a mobster.
A mobster who will die in some spectacular fashion.
Most of my job is making things idiot proof, but they keep making better idiots.
I Saw someone say Florida upside down look like the grinch and after i flipped my Phone i’m mad i can’t unsee it😭😭😭
“I am the God of mischief in Norse mythology, but I don’t want too many people knowing about it”.
– Low key.
What do you call a cappuccino with an old friend?
A catchupino.
#RubbishJokes
Doctors just told me I have “stripper lung” from inhaling too much brass polish & if I go back to “JIGGLERS” again I’ll die.
Friend: Have you been using that gym membership card I gave you for Christmas?
Me: All the time! Just this morning I used it to scrape ice off my windows and yesterday I used it to cut a cake.
Mom pro tip: If you’re old enough to critique what I put in your lunch, you’re old enough to make it yourself.
Interview:
“What’s your greatest weakness?”
*I look at my watch then lean in*
How much time do you have?