Yes I run a porn site. It was an accident.
You Might Also Like
Lots of stores are gonna close as a result of this. That means there will be roughly 700% more Spirit of Halloween stores come October
I’m just a girl
standing in front of a pizza
asking it to not have carbs.
Just watched the first half of Goodfellas, and it’s great. Being in the mob looks super fun, can’t wait to watch the second half where I assume the good times continue to roll.
Me: When I was little I was never allowed in grandma and grandad’s bed if I was scared.
6yo: That’s sad Mommy. I’m going to tell grandma and grandad that they have to let you in their bed tomorrow.
Me: Oh no no no baby. I’m good!
Grim Reaper: You know why I’m here.
Me: Heavy drinking? Unhealthy diet? Texting and driving?
GR: You should’ve forwarded that chain email.
people get sad when a bird flys into a window but when i do it its a big hassle
They say every piece of bacon takes 9 minutes off of your life expectancy. So according to my math, I should have died somewhere around the spring of 1483.
I eat all 8 spiders in January so i don’t have to eat any for the rest of the year.
People say eye contact is important when flirting, but when I put my finger in someone’s eye they never seem to like it.
This is a baby horse: it can walk 4 hours after it’s born
This is a baby human: don’t touch its head wrong or you’ll bonk its brain
My wife said if she heard me chewing one more time, she was going to murder me. So I stole the batteries from her hearing aids.
I don’t understand why this loan manager won’t get behind my dream of becoming a sugar daddy.
“why aren’t you in a relationship?”
(points to large stack of books) “uh what do you call this?”
My daughter asked if she could marry her brother when she got older and I was SO uncomfortable because I was NOT ready to tell her about Alabama yet
Me: Would you have a minute to speak about my lord and savior, nachos supreme?
Her: Sir, for the last time just tell me your order.
The way I see it, marriage is just an evil ploy to turn “my fries” into “our fries.”
Dingo: The dingo community is known for many other things
TV Host: What are cooking for us today?
Dingo: I’m making my famous baby coleslaw
My husband and I are having a serious fight.
Do you think I should let him know about it?
Yesterday I watched Rogue One, featuring a cameo from Carrie Fisher.
One hour later she was dead.
So today I’ll be watching Home Alone 2.
I’ll play duck-duck-goose and give all gooses. I don’t give a duck.
When I was a young boy my father took me into the city to see a marching band…
[8000 words later]
In a medium bowl, mix together butter, white sugar, and brown sugar. Beat in eggs one at a time, then stir in vanilla. Preheat the oven to 375 degrees. Grease cookie sheet,
surgeon: this man has a broken leg
horse surgeon intern: oh no
surgeon: which we can easily fix
horse surgeon intern: wait which we can what?
9yo: Mom, what did you do before you had kids?
Me: Slept in.
I dont get laid nearly enough for someone who can name five different types of pokemon.
I load up my Volkswagen Beetle just like anyone else: one clown at a time.
While doing her history homework, my daughter asked me what I knew about Galileo.
I said, he’s just a poor boy from a poor family.
My wife says I’m a clueless idiot.
I didn’t even know I had a wife.
We need to put an American base on the sun