If you didn’t bring enough cough syrup for everyone, maybe don’t drink it in front of us, Gary.
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Irony is how Jesus is too Liberal for most of his own Fan Clubs
Bond sequel idea: His license to kill is downgraded to a license to hit people with his car but not so badly that they die
[job interview]
“Have any questions?”
Think the 3 Little Pigs hired the Big Bad Wolf to blow their houses down to collect insurance money?
“I want to emphasize this paragraph in my email, but putting it in italics doesn’t seem like enough so I’ll also underline it and put it in boldface, a different font and a different color.” -psychopaths
When my Internet is down for more than 2 minutes, I assume Western civilization has collapsed so I start looting.
[courtroom]
Me: “I OBJECT YOUR HONOR”
Judge: on what grounds?
“LEGAL MUMBO JUMBO”
Prosecutor: he’s good
Judge: *slams gavel* case dismissed.
CEO of KFC: “We must always respect our customers. That is so important.”
Ian: “Shall we still serve them food in a bucket?”
CEO: “Yes.”
Morpheus: ok this guy is definitely “the one”
Trinity: but why though
Morpheus: you’re gonna kick yourself lol but just re-arrange the letters in “Neo”
wife: you need to put the dog down
me: [challenges dog to rap battle}
[tattoo parlour]
ME: I’d like a tattoo as a tribute to my dad. He loved gardening & now he’s dead, so maybe like a skeleton mowing the lawn?
Watching married couples argue in Bed Bath & Beyond is my Game of Thrones.
How does the fire know to exit at those specific doors?
That stupid look on my face, is my face
I’m older than the internet. When I was a kid we didn’t Google things, we had to ask our parents and then carefully filter through the bullshitery
Protip: If your wife says don’t put your oversized grilling spatula and tongs in the dishwasher, just hand wash them, she means right then.
“HAHA WTF LMAO OMG LOL HAHA WTF LMAO LMAO HAHA LOL OMG LMAO LOL WTF LMAO” – Birds at 6AM
“40 is the new 30!” My dad always used to say.
Lovely man.
Banned from driving.
Me: What do you want to be when you grow up?
2-year-old: An eagle!
I’m going to save so much money on college.
Ferrari squats
I think we’ve officially regressed back to medieval peasants. All we do is bake bread, revolt, and avoid plagues
Your neck. There’s an axe for that.
You can tell a lot about people, you just don’t need to.
Welcome to your 50s. Commercials are too damn loud. Even on mute.
[annoyed burglar waking me] you still have a VCR?
Why, yes, I am dressed for the weather.
I am wearing a house.
Interviewer: Do you plan on having children?
Me: I have four, why start now?
There are two kinds of dog owners. Those that have tried their dog’s treats and those that are lying.
Everything that my lip balm is, I want to be.
Rich, Hydrating, and Age-Defying.
[having helped prep some pistachios while my wife spends two hours putting together the rest of the meal] How about those nuts, huh? You can really taste the deshelling
I have to stop paying attention when I get too close to any round number of followers, because then I notice way too easily when I lose one, and it’s like “oh no, my hot take on pencil skirts deeply alienated someone who now despises me, I must send a cookie basket”