I don’t think Major Tom was much of an astronaut – Ground Control had to tell him to put his helmet on, FFS. That’s pretty basic stuff.
You Might Also Like
Sorry I overreacted when we both reached for the last piece of pecan pie. I had no idea a fork could penetrate so far into a human forearm.
I remember back in the day when you had to roll up a tiny scroll and give it to a falcon to tweet
If I’m eating at a restaurant and see a movie star, I always take a pen and paper over and ask “Will you pay for my meal?”
My 2-year-old refused to brush her teeth because a towel was in the wrong spot.
I calmly explained to her that the position of the towel didn’t matter and that she needed to brush her teeth no matter what.
Just kidding.
I moved the damn towel.
list of casinos I need to burn down in order to prevent my credit score from going to the dogs: ceaser palace, trump cube, chuck e cheese,
[ugly sweater contest]
*starts sweating*
*takes home the gold*
My 4yo thinks it’s fun to bring up special moments completely out of the blue. So all of a sudden I’ll hear, “mommy, remember when you forgot to water the plant and it died?” or “remember when daddy dropped the burgers on the floor?” Feels like we’re living with a tiny heckler.
FRED & DAPHNE: *pull the mask off old man jenkins*
JENKINS: gosh darnit if not for you meddling kids I would have survived the pandemic
I don’t think my accident resulted in a concussion and also I don’t think my accident resulted in a concussion.
The embarrassing moment when you bring handcuffs to ‘gamenight’ and she brings Monopoly.
[putting away groceries]
I’m really glad I bought these tomatoes to go with [opens fridge and sighs deeply] these other goddamned tomatoes I bought 2 days ago and [looks behind those tomatoes with even deeper sigh] these other goddamned tomatoes I bought 3 days ago
[spelling bee]
Your word is ‘arrogance’
“Can you use it in a sentence?”
Of course I can, don’t be stupid
No one talks to you on the bus when you’re shaking a box of Milk Duds that your head phones are plugged into.
When a cop tells you to “spread ’em” he is not flirting. I know this now.
I’m invited to a wedding this weekend.
I have two days to come up with a disease or cut off a finger.
I’m happy my date didn’t snoop in my medicine cabinet but sad I spent an hour setting up 40 ping pong balls in there for nothing
Batman: I’m the world’s greatest detective, you’ll never stump me
Riddler: what’s your secret identity
Batman: Bruce Wayne you idiot
Riddler:
Batman: you absolute fool
My middle finger will be answering all questions today!
The biggest myth about travel is “packing light” – don’t bother! Light is available from the sun and artificial sources worldwide.
[Therapy]
Dr. Pencil: Remind me again what draws you here today?
Piece of paper: I feel like I’m always getting lead on, it’s really left its mark on me.
Dr. Pencil: Oh, that’s write.
You OK? You’ve barely touched your crocssant!?!
carnivorous animals (thinking): i’m hungry… i could really go for something smaller than me. an animal which is smaller than me would hit rn…
just found out the nhs had my height down as 88cm instead of 1.88 metres and now wondering if my early vaccine was because they thought i was a short dangerously large man
My Dog: oh PLEASE please just give me a TASTE of your food just a MORSEL of that MEAL I’ve NEVER WANTED ANYTHING MORE
Me: *gives her a little bit*
My Dog: I have diarrhea
A great way to grow your account is to run your phone through a paper shredder.
Government Shutdown: Day Two
Mars rover Curiosity sits with nothing to do.
Watches all 5 seasons of “The Wire”.
Totally gets the hype now.
Startled by the sound of my own washing machine, yet convinced I’d be a badass in any apocalypse.
Dinner is a great time for my family to come together to tell each other exactly what is wrong with the meal I made.
me, after scolding my kids: *walking away*
son: ALEXA, play the Imperial March
I wish whitening toothpaste got my teeth as white as the places I drop it on my shirts.