Date: omg it’s so dark do you have a flashlight
Me: I don’t need one cause I have all the light I need right here-
Date: aww
Me: oh my feet *i stomp and my light up sketchers start flashing*
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Don’t forget to get your Valentine’s Day shopping done before Pete Davidson buys everything up.
[zombie apocalypse]
GUY: It’s not safe here let’s head north.
ME: No, let’s go down to the sewers.
GUY: What’s in the sewers?
ME: [thinking about ninja turtles] Protection.
New favorite tiktok
Just gave my next door neighbor a giant bag of candy to dump in my sons trick or treat bucket on Halloween so I can go home after one house.
Google isn’t much help if you can’t think of the word ‘zebra’
[train]
GUY: Please take my seat.
ME: *adjusts pillow in my top to feign pregnancy* Thank you.
GUY: How far along are you?
ME: 5 stops.
I hope this email punches you square in the face
Me: Why can’t we feed the animals?
Wife: They’ll get lazy and dependent and never, ever go away.
Me: *looks warily at our kids*
Wife: “Do you want to watch Batman Forever?”
Me: “I’ll watch it for a couple of hours.”
Wife: “I hate you.”
me: *knows girls like nerds* I read a lot
date: what kind of books?
me: *knows girls also like jocks* heavy ones
[aliens dissecting humans]
alien surgeon: seems like they feel terrible after they drink alcohol
alien assistant: that’s good, so they never do it
alien surgeon: you’re not gonna beleive this
I want to be more optimistic about aging but my 5 year old just found out I am 30 today and now she’s claiming the jewelry she wants to have when I’m dead.
OPTICIAN: Do you wear contacts?
ME: *showing my cell phone* No, I keep them on here.
When you were young, Adele? You’re 28.
Shut the hell up.
interviewer: can you explain this gap in your resume
me: yes that’s when i didn’t have a job
Everyone seems so happy for you until they realize your baby carrier is just filled with mozzarella sticks.
You seem stressed. Perhaps I can help by stepping on your computer’s power button
–cats
Why do they say “break a leg !” to actors ?
If you said “tear an ACL !” to a star athlete,
you’d be shot on the spot.
ME: I declare bankruptcy
CUSTOMS OFFICER: No just like stuff you bought in Mexico
“Honey, have you seen the cat?”
– Mrs. Schrödinger
Him: You’ll always be the one that got away. Me: Escaped. Him: What? Me: I said Thanks.
i cannot say the word synonym without sounding drunk.
I had a dream that IKEA offered a ride sharing service and nobody could figure out how to get out of the car.
Me: “ahhh there’s the money shot”
Sniper: would you get your chin off my shoulder?
Daylight saving? I’m ready for daylight spending
ME:[just inaugurated as president] Where’s the nuke button
ADVISOR: why
ME:[crumpling photo of my 5th grade bully] I just wanna see it
*Joe Biden nibbles Obama’s ear*
– Please stop it
*Joe whispers* Say it
– No go away
*angrily whispers* Say it!
– …please stop Biden my ear
obi-wan: anakin has turned to the dark side what should we do???
yoda: raise his son to murder him we could
Hmm I don’t really wanna commit 2 hours to watching a movie
*watches 12 straight hours of a tv show on Netflix*
Green Shell Koopa Dad: If your friends jumped off a bridge, would you?
Red Shell Koopa Son: No
Dad: This is the problem with your generation