Cops: put your hands where we can see them
Invisible man:
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#Caturday
In my next life, I’m coming back as a baby
I’m so old, when I type “stan”, ac thinks I mean a man’s name and capitalizes it
Popeye: Whys you we’rin glasses? A-gah-gah-gah
Brutus: Doc says I need em bad
Olive: Hiya fellas
Brutus: *jumps back* THAT’S HOW YOU LOOK?
I use a wheelchair. When someone asks the person I’m with “What’s her name?” I tell the person I’m with to say “I don’t know, check and see if she has a collar.”
“Are you carrying any treats, sir?”
“No, I’m not.”
“Cookies? Biscuits?”
“Nope.”
“Please empty your pockets.”
“Listen, I’ve already told you-“
“I’ll also need to check your bag.”
“I don’t think that’s really nec-”
“Sir, I’d advise you not make this any harder than it needs to be.”
my 10 year old is a school safety and he instructed the 5 year olds where to stand to wait for the bus and one turned to him and said “you’re not my dad!” and another immediately yelled “burrrrrrn!!”
i don’t think we are even close to prepared for this next generation
I dropped a piece of cheese on the airplane and i know it rolled forward and some piece of shit in first class is enjoying it now
My children are now grown up and have recently left home. Now the wife can tell when I eat a packet of biscuits all to myself. Thinking of getting a dog.
Look sad dragging a kite on the ground at the park and sometimes people will let you join their picnic.
I’m in the South. I’m the only one who ordered vegetables with my dinner.
I feel a little cheated when someone’s bio is in English but all their tweets are written in gobblety gobblety.
go ahead and make fun of me for listing my religion as “burrito” but no one’s ever waged war in the name of chipotle
Starting a conga line is a great conversation ender.
Trust the software, it knows things you and I do not!
Diamonds aren’t a girl’s best friend.
Perfectly regulated office temperatures are a girl’s best friend.
Spreads legs… Nope
Spreads two other legs …. Nope
Spreads two others …. Dammit, no
Spreads last two…. BINGO!!
– spider sex
[first date]
Me: so what do you do
Date: i’m an accountant
Me: oh nice
Date: thanks
Me:
Date:
Me: so how many ants have u counted so far
*pulls the pin on a can of Axe body spray*
*lobs it into your open car window as you drive by*
Like PAC-MAN before me, I too feel pursued by the ghosts of my past, consume mindlessly without end, and enjoy fruit.
Meme Monday.
[1st time on phone with a girl]
I’ve got butterflies in my stomachIt’s so cute that you’re nervous
[eating 2nd bowl of butterflies] huh?
If he has other girls who make him smile, be different and make him cry.
LETS SHARE EMBARRASSING STORIES. me first: i saw Brad Pitt at a bar back in the late 90’s. he was smoking so i walked up & asked for a light he handed me his lighter but i didn’t have a cigarette so i flicked on the lighter & said “oh cool it works” gave it back & walked away
Witch 1: *crying* the doctor said I can’t have kids
Witch 2: oh no, why?
Witch 1: I need to watch my cholesterol
Did a crunch. Sprained an ovary.
0/10. Do not recommend.
My son was so excited to get a text from his beloved mama, he responded only eight hours later with a heartfelt “aight.”
I can tell by the dents & busted tail light on your car you are serious about making this lane change work for you come Hell or high water.
ISAAC NEWTON: *apple falls from tree and lands on the ground at his feet* i have just discovered gravity
ME: *apple falls from tree and lands on the ground at my feet* i have just discovered fruit by the foot
Careful guys it’s raining cats and dogs outside and the ones that aren’t dying on impact are super pissed